True happiness is when you are surrounded by doubt, surreounded by possible situations that can alter or change in such a quick instance that your life can crumble in just seconds, and be able to look at what is causing your happiness and hold on to that connection and feel as if you are right as rain. True happiness is hope, hope that where you are and where you want to be are not that distant, not that far apart. That the hopes and dreams inside of your head are so close to reality that even the stars slow down to see what may follow.

The clock ticks by during the day,,, You go through the normal routine of your life as you perform the duties that you have signed on to in your profession. You stare down the clock as its ticks get slower and slower waiting for the day to end and the evening to begin. You have nothing planned officially but you always have a hope or two of how the night will go. Usually you cling on to the idea that you will be with someone regardless of who that someone will be. Usually you latch on to someone close to you or at least someone you can rely on to be there... If you are in love or at least at loves edge you fall into that safe feeling where you imagine the night of you being in the arms of that person or at least are around that person. If you are more of the free spirit you imagine the fun that will come from the night that is almost lying at your feet. Tick tock as the clock makes its last few efforts in slowing the day down enough to avoid letting you go but as it gets closer and closer the excitement grows inside of you as you start to think of what the night may hold. You start your journey away from the day to day duties that you have and move toward the sanctuary of your life. You do a few small things here and there to prepare yourself for the night ahead. You may clean up a little, light a few candles or put on some music... You may wash your face and throw on some sweet smelling thing while you find yourself something good looking to wear. But those little insignificant things that you do to prepare are only the work before the excitement. The excitement is the waiting for that person to get to your place, the car ride to pick them up or standing outside the theatre waiting to see their smile. Your heart starts jumping as your mind wonders, your eyes looking for that person, your heart beating louder and louder just to make sure that you're awake. Your palms becoming sweaty, your breaths a little deeper, your mind wondering, and you find yourself restless. And then the moment comes where you see them coming around the corner, driving up to your house, or walking out of theirs and what is a simple moment turns itself into a lasting impression on your heart. Your hands tighten and you take a deep breath trying to get your chest cavity as far away from your heart as possible hoping that it will stop your shirt from jumping because of the hard beating from your heart. You close your eyes softly and put on a smile hoping that they cannot see the intensity of your emotions. You walk towards them meeting them quicker than you expected only because you were not paying attention to the walk due to the fact you had no more to give away from them. Your arms open because of habit and they slide in more than likely for the same reason. You try and shrug off how amazing it feels by giving a small light hearted hug but as you do your heart falls into a calming relief and you hold them as if they were the most fragile thing you have ever touched but in a way that nothing could possibly tear you apart. You look that person in their eyes as if you had not seen them in ages and as if you never wanted to look away. You both lean forward trying to give a simple kiss... Your lips touch so softly it is as if a butterfly were landing with sore feet. Your hands shaking behind their back slide against them holding them firm in your hands as you both quietly kiss... Moving away softly and looking at each other as if your eyes had never let go. You swallow quietly trying to get the lump out of your throat and sigh deeply trying desperately to restart you heart. You grab their hand and walk them to where ever you are going as the night has only just begun.

She lays in your arms as your finger tips slowly slide through her hair. Her eyes open and close as you feel her taking soft steady breaths. Your gentle hands teasing themselves with the notion that they are as close to touching an angel as they can be. Your body solid as a rock holds her firm with confidence while your heart tries to escape your chest with its quick, rapid beating. You sigh... quietly hoping to allow this emotion to leak from you without being noticed. She seems happy with your touch, and you dare not move trying to avoid the inevitable goodnight. You stare at the clock as its seconds speed up and you desperately try to find something to trade for just seconds more. she looks at you saying goodnight as her eyes say don't go... your heart almost breaking as you start to walk away instead of wrapping her in your arms and never letting her go. You look back to wrap these feelings up, to sigh and say goodnight hoping that time will pass by as quickly as it did tonight until the next time you can see her face... hear her voice...

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Sometimes I wish I could put a label on how I feel but I think its less that I feel something and more that I am bored with the current situation.

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I can't wait for the day to come when I can hold my girlfriends hand and look at her while these words tremble from my lips. I have waited my entire life to be able to look you in the eye and tell you simply that I love you with all my heart, that I have longed to be yours and only yours since the moment you slid into my arms. I have waited my entire life to tell you that I will love you with every inch of my heart and give you every inch of my life.

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I wonder why we think we need to have everything under control. Everything fixed before we go talk to god. I feel like when its time for me to go get right with god I have to be squeaky clean, that I have to shine. I know somewhere in my kind that god cleans me and wipes the dirt out of my eyes but for some odd reason when I actually fall in the dirt I push his hands away and force myself to push through the tears and wipe away the dirt. I don't know why that is a first reaction for me. I don't know why that is what happens before anything else. I wonder if one day I will get tired of doing such a spotty job. I wonder if I will ever get tired of doing something half way and actually trust him to help. Actually trust him to move into my heart and heal the pain. I wonder.

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I wonder if a human heart is just in need of pain. I feel as if every moment that I could be able to grasp at some random incident and make it seem as if the world was out to get me, my heart is much to eager for the task.

Again I slip and fall... I stand before God in all is grace and look him square in the eye, but I not pray for safety or some harbor to hide in. I do not pray that the winds and the rain may stop or that the storms subside. I do not ask for land to be near so these rough seas that throw my soul back and forth with the violence of a broken heart may stop hurting me so. No, I only fold my hands and slide down to my knees trying so hard not to look up because I know that if I do the tears that stand behind my eyes will come forth and show themselves. Speaking with a voice softer than a butterfly’s landing I softly say... I am sorry God. I say this to him as if I was speaking to a dear friend that was standing right beside me. I say this to him with more sincerity than I have ever allowed myself to utter. Speaking with the clarity that only comes from the mind and the heart joining as one. But the thing that scares me, the thing that shakes me through the night is not the fact that he did not hear me or that I may have said the thing wrong or not been as real as I should have been... No.... The thing that scares me is that he would look back at me and say 'I am done... I am done until you can stand before me and tell me that you have done everything in your power, everything that you could have done to battle the demons that I have to battle for you every day. I am done until you can stand before me with the faith that although you have fallen you gave every inch of your heart to get to where you are... When you can do that... When you can look me in the eye without tears streaming down at the fact that you are hurt or that you have fallen and look at me with a boyish grin on your face because of the curve ball that I just throw you caught you off guard... When you can look at me and say YES God, I have done everything that I can, everything that I could have done, then we will move on."

My life consists of making the right decisions to appease the right people. I don’t make these decisions to make others happy mind you, but myself. I make these decisions every day because my personality thrives on the people around it. So it would seem that I spend almost every waking moment trying to make others around me feel better about them selves or at the very least feel happy. I guess you could see that as more of a selfless than selfish but by far it is quite the latter. So here is the situation, if you ever ask someone who works at least a 40 hour a week job they will attest to the fact that the people that you work with are the people that you spend quite a large amount of time with during your day to day and those that are around you every day can affect you every day. This is especially true if your personality is like mine and you live off of the people around you. So inside of my work day I have three co-workers that I directly work with and six co-workers that I work around. Now obviously if you could see my day to day you would agree that there are more but lets just skip the ones who don’t fit into this rant or rave today. Now out of the three co-workers that I directly work with one is a lot different than my personality, one is quite close, and one is just an odd mix. All three are very nice and likeable but there we are. Now one of those three is hard for me to be around only because of past mistakes that will haunt me until the day that my life here ends, the other is a red flag only because of who they are and how they act, and last but not least is a person who you cannot get close to only because they are simply hard to get close to. Not because there is some impenetrable wall or anything, just the fact that they are hard to get to know. Out of those three the person who I would rather spend my time with is either hard to get to know or past events have not allowed me to be who I really am so obviously there is the third who of course is a red freaking flag. To appease all others I try to spend as much time with that person and the group they fall into only because it would be an awkward feeling not to be involved in the group that I should probably be in. But now that I have been a little more forward in my time with different groups it has been said that I might be sliding down the ladder because of how it looks. So here I am. Do I stop all contact together with the people that I work with, put on my mask that I wear so well with others and be my loner self, do I stare social death in the work place in the eye and move forward with what groups I am somewhat apart of, do I move towards what people snicker and have suspicions about and just hold my head up high because, well it hurts to hang it down, or do I move out of my direct workers social circle and spend my time with the folks that may not be mentioned in this littler tiff of a feeling. Oh to the decisions that might make you or break you ONLY because people tend to want to help you out by pointing out what they see, which of course is always 20x20 for them and never for you. Oh I wonder what to do, how to feel, how to react. Maybe this long weekend might be the time I need to let those worries that have of course been on my mind softly fade away. I guess it is always best to leave a story like this in a positive or optimistic view so there I will stay…

How easy it would be to kill these emotions by taking my mind off of one travesty and focusing it on another. How else do you fix a problem in your life other than making a bigger one as to take your mind off of the former.

i think that my roller coaster of a life could only come from the thoughts that steamroll through. The ups and downs that move through my head about where my life is going, or where it should be, or where it is now always seem to have a spin on where it is. It seems that even when you sit down and try to make it through just one day where you can move on without thinking of the decisions that you make something pops up and puts you in a position to question where you are. But the problem is not that the questioning is the negative, it will always be a good thing to be able to question where you are which allows you to check yourself from time to time. No its the questioning that makes you think, what if the impossible where possible, what if the thing that never could be... could be. you sit and ponder such things until your heart slaps you across the face for committing such a travesty. Making emotions fall back into your lap that you had laid to rest so long ago. Oh to the moments where life came like a soft breeze in the spring air. Where you could laugh and play, live and love like no one was watching you. But cheers to the life where everyday seems to be a battle against the things that can never be beaten. A battle against the same heart and mind that try to get you through the pain but in some trip up of fate putting you back into harms way... I dont pray for salvation, I pray for an escape, an escape from my own heart which seems to bury itself under should of's, could of's, and would of's.

How could it be the right choice if there are tears in her eyes... I look to you tonight trying to find the right path, the right way, I hope that my actions were not on some foolish thought but because I believe in them so. My heart seems to be bleak and empty even when I am in the mist of possibilities beyond my wildest dreams. I hope that tonight you can hear my prayer and give those tear filled eyes relief knowing that the path that we are forced to walk in this nightmare is the right path. And if you cant give those sobbing eyes the strength and the belief that this indeed is the right path, at least give it to this lost soul. Here I stand in the dark shooting at what ever I hear move, I hope that it is not my angel coming to rescue me, because I will never know...

I wonder if when I get to the shiny gates and stand before God waiting to be judged if when he sets fire to the things that I have done in my life will he look at the things left standing with a smile or some type of stamp of approval and whisper a life well lived…. Or will he look at me with a surprisingly somber face and ask me instead “did you live?” I don’t want to slide softly into my grave with my body perfectly preserved and everything neatly in its place. But rather come skidding in sideways body tattered and completely spent with a smile on my face and drink in my hand telling God what a heck of a ride he made just for me…

I don’t understand sometimes where I should be. I feel as if I am on a rollercoaster that never really ends... I have my moments where nothing comes out of my heart but sheer panic and screams. Other times I feel as happy as rain as if nothing could go wrong. And of course there are those moments that you get to the top of the ride just before the obvious big fall that everything is so peaceful and beautiful that you would not dare change a thing in the world. Here I sit at the top of the coaster for the time being. I know that there is an obvious drop on the horizon but I am not quite afraid of it. There are plenty of things in my life that I have to change, that I have to see through and accomplish but for right now could I not just sit here, take a breath and just enjoy everything that my young eyes can see. There is nothing better than the breath you take before something takes it from you... Here I sit, not wanting to make a change for the world because here my world sits, right beside me.

Her nor I will be the death of us... I have always believed that to be able to fall in love and actually stay in the falling position you should be able to grow with one another. But if you are not able to really lean on the other person, if you are not able to really hold onto the other person you are really missing out and sad to say I am afraid that in time missing out will be the chorus that we shall be playing...

A strange feeling indeed. I stand here not knowing what to do next... Feelings of the past have surrounded my dreams not allowing me to feel for the future. I do not know why the mirror cries out in the middle of my dreams, why it screams hoping to get my attention for some odd reason of which I do not know. The last time that I tried to understand what what the mirror was trying to whisper my heart was in pieces which is the reason why i stay here laying in my safety covered with the sheets and blankets which make up my amour. Oh God why are we so distant. Why have we given up on one another for just a brief while. We have lost so much ground that I do not even know where to start. This feeling inside of me is as conflicting as it once was in my darkest dreams. Could I just be scaring myself into fear because happiness has finally come... Could I just be so happy and content that life will show me different... Could I just be so satisfied that my dreams wants to give me worries... Oh to fight an enemy is always a hardship but to fight an enemy alone is such a frighting battle.

I love

I love that I don’t have anything that I absolutely MUST write about... I love that when my fingers hit the key board my mind isn’t trying its hardest to make my fingers type what my heart is screaming... I love that my fights are about me and a closer relationship instead of fights about being lost and alone... I love that my mind and my heart agree that I am where I need to be although staying here is not in the cards. I love that I am starting to love again and that a smile that has suddenly taken residence on my face is such a familiar feeling... I love that she is standing beside me even though there are things that could destroy us, even though there are things that loom on the horizon that could in fact break us... I love that the thought of a darken future not only scares us but scares us into each others arms... If you think for one second that you can show me the harms that could come, if you could show me that there is an obstacle in my path down the road, if you think that for one second that opening my eyes to something that I have already seen could really detour me from following what my heart is like a small child pointing at and saying "OH OH OH" jumping up and down with a smile on his face than you are out of your mind because I can see the smile on my face even when the thought of a tear comes close to my heart and I would not trade that happiness for that second for a life time of sadness... If you think you could than I am right here willing to try to prove you wrong....

Learn to walk

So there are a few words that are constantly coming to mind.. My heart and my head at the same time are telling me that I should stop and hold back but for some reason this little thing in my throat is wanting to just scream.... I don’t know if it is because I have not been in this seat in so long that the thought just feels so good or if it’s a true blue feeling. I am afraid of something and I don’t know what... More than likely I am afraid because there is nothing else to feel other than freedom... Freedom of the heart is so far from a natural feeling that your mind runs from the thought, which is where I am in so many different paths of my life. Although I have finally graduated and am moving on with my life, got a job fresh out of the gate, and have an amazing girl by my side I still stand here waiting to really show God what I can do. I just wish I had the guts to really stand up and start moving... I hope I can find that grit that I had so long ago to stand up to the shadows soon, I don’t want to loose my place of where I am right now... I like the path, I just don’t like the pace... Learn to walk I guess...

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. Those who cannot feel the emotion think the action is overdone... Those who cannot feel the warmth of the touch think the feeling is just too strong..

I do wonder if what I wish came true would make things more enjoyable in life... I wonder if people dealing with their own lives more so than helping in others would make it easier... I wonder if I could sit here and wish for that and when it comes true would I be happy for the total control over my own path... Would I be happy to sit here with God and deal with the stones and curves of my lifes road... Would I be able to look at God and say my bad at the end of a wrong turn and not regret having someone in the back seat telling you how to drive...

Wednesday - I think today I have been looking forward to what is forward. I cant wait to see what God has planned if the ride has been as fun as it has been thus far...

Love

Love is nothing more than a temporary maddness. It is not doves flying in the air or angles struming their harps. It is an earthquake, something unexpected and unplaned that at the beginning is fierce and strong... but then subsides and when it does you have to figure out how strong you both really are. How deep the roots you have been growing really go. Getting to that point where you know that your hearts have become so entwined that it would impossible to walk away from one another. Becuase that is what love really is. That desire to look each other in the face when worst has come to worst, where that person that is holding your hand is without a doubt the person you want there holding your hand. Its not that breathless moments or the heavy handed words that you try so despreatly to ooze in efforts to convience the other person that you are just as romantic and loving as any fantasy they could ever have. Its coming to a realization that no matter what life could throw at you, no matter what path you could take the person that you can look in the eye and express your love from the words that are not said is the only person that you could ever want there... when you find that feeling. When you can hold your troubles in your hand and then gladly with no hesitation give them up you have found that love.

He wants to hold her.... He wants to feel her in his arms... He wants to know her smell... He wants to know how she feels against his finger tips.... He wants and wants and wants but the things that stand between them might be strong enough to hold them back... Although that barrier could be short lived it is still between them none the less... All he can do is wait... But as he waits she stands in front of him begging for him to hold her.... begs him to put his arms around her... Begs him to know her smell.... begs him to know her so well he knows how she feels under his finger tips...
Two hearts so willing to beat as one but being forced to be apart... How can you love someone before your hearts are allowed to meet...

Wednesday - I get to see her tonight... I have been in such a good mood, good enough that people who I spend a lot of time with during the day of commented on my attitude. I hope that the lunch between me and mom goes well but I am determined to stay honest with her... I don’t know, just a lot going on at the moment and I just have to sit back and wrap my mind around this... First time in a long time I cant see the end of the path but still ok with walking it... We will see, hopefully this is where God wants me..

Monday - OMG, when did I get so behind? Although I agree that there is a lot going on there is still no reason why I am so behind everything.. DO I really have this senior disease... I have really just sent out about twelve emails saying the same thing which is "let me sit down this week and really wrap my head around this issue and I will get back to you before the week is out." Dear God, please give me just a little peace of mind to finish SOME of this stuff... I really need to sit down and deal with some of this stuff, lets pick which night that I wont have time to spare so I can sit down and get ahead of a few of these things...

Friday - I think she is really there... I think that she really cares, but here I stand waiting for her to hear from God what he wants her to do... What he plans for her is much more important than our, what could be, short-lived happiness... In the end I want her to be able to walk the path she was made to walk, if that path is beside mine or not. Come on G whats on your mind...

Tuesday - I wonder if I believe in fate anymore... I wonder if I believe that everything happens the way it should, some divine plan, or if we are just floating on a breeze going where ever the wind decides to take us... If the saying strangers stab you in the back but friends stab you through the heart has any truth to it then I really must have some great friends.... I wonder if I should sit back and take the easy road by saying if it should be then it will but for some reason I am starting to doubt the truth of that...

Here we go

Monday - This is why I look at church folk as fake unrealistic people... I would have assumed that everyone on this planet has their own crap to deal with and if my life is any example I would say that everyone has enough crap to deal with to be completely occupied. But people who are fake and don't like to take a look at whats really bothering them inside of their own lives, they have to try to pry their fingers inside of someone else's... If you want to play you better grab your shield because this game can get messy. I hope you think its worth in the end...

Just a kiss

She looks down at the ground trying so hard not to let him see what her eyes are so desperately trying to give away. He sits beside her wanting so badly to rush to her and wrap his arms around her body but he knows that if he does is heart would surely stop. Her hand stays on the door knob as she tries to hold herself up. She notices her knees are not as strong as they once were as he stands in front of her. He slides his hand onto hers just slightly rubbing his fingers between her knuckles. Gently feeling his fingertips on her hand as her lungs take a deep sigh making her look up at him. His eyes catch hers and at once his body moves forward and his hands slide behind her landing on the small of her back. She leans her head back slightly making it obvious that her lips are begging for their lips to just simply touch. His hands begin to shake behind her as he holds her close. She slides her arms around his neck pulling him closer to her. Seconds feel like a life time and heart beats feel like an eternity. His lips slowly slide to hers as both of their eyes quietly shut. She pulls him closer as his lips land on hers like a butterfly with sore feet. Her hands move from shaking to being strong and confident as she grips his neck and holds him close. His hands stop shaking behind her as he picks her up off her feet and they simply hold each other in the corner of the dark room. Their hearts slowly beating a soft rhythm as their worlds slowly slip away

Friday - Well, there is trouble on the horizon. Come to think of it it really is not that big of a deal but in the same sense it kind of is... I dont know, for some reason I have a feeling that I need to disconnect a little from the whole thing. I hate that I do this, I wish that I had enough trust in me to trust God in his plan. I just hope I can hold on long enough to really figure all of this crap out... Instead of running from this gut feeling of insanity

Thursday - So I am feeling a little overwhelmed with everything. I think I just have a little to much on my mind. I really like this girl and there is another girl on the horizon that I really need to deal with soon. I dont think the second girl has a chance in the big picture and I am thinking that she is wanting that. I do however really enjoy spending time with the first girl. I really do like her but I am really nervous about the outcome of us. I have graduation coming up, finishing up my classes and trying to stay focused with them, trying to secure my job with the County while I STILL KEEP DOING THE JOB. I have to make sure that Student Goverment keeps going, I have to make sure that a few more jobs happen before I check out properly from Webber WHILE I still have a life and other responsibilities... I dont know, it just seems that I cant get away from my head... We will see what tonight holds, should be a decent night...

Wednesday - What a useless day. Not quite the beginning and not quite the end. My emotions dont know which to pick, the beginning of the week CRAP or the end of the week JOY. All I can think about today is how I need to play my next play. I have a hand full of cards for my next move and I know that whats on the tabe has the potential of looking good some day but I also know that it has the probability of going south too. The bad thing is I tend to look past the probable crap and go for the hopeful good. But now that I think of it my fingers are shaking so maybe I should listen to my gut and just hold back...

Tuesday - So this is brand new but I think I can handle it... So today there is so much crap going on in my life that I can barely hold everything down in my head and one more thing is just way to much. I graduate in about 50 days which is a great thing to look forward to but of course my head is thinking of more things than just that. Will I have a job, will I be happy in that job, other jobs that I am currently doing, am I leaving those jobs in good shape, and then you start to think about personal stuff and your life. It is hard trying to sit down and figure out or try to plan what is going to happen tomorrow in your life. But of course the things that I think about are more unsolved mysteries than anything else. I think about God and how much of a horrible friend I am to him. I think about all the crap that is going on that I am doing and that is being done in my life. I think about friends and then start to worry about little things involving them. And if your thinking that my thoughts are centered around more negaitve things I will agree. Because if I start to think about some of the good things, some of the possibilities they just end of falling of and wind up hurting... Maybe I screw them up, maybe they screw me over I dunno... Best to just leave it alone till I either get strong enough to get screwed or smart enough to stop messing things up...