Again I slip and fall... I stand before God in all is grace and look him square in the eye, but I not pray for safety or some harbor to hide in. I do not pray that the winds and the rain may stop or that the storms subside. I do not ask for land to be near so these rough seas that throw my soul back and forth with the violence of a broken heart may stop hurting me so. No, I only fold my hands and slide down to my knees trying so hard not to look up because I know that if I do the tears that stand behind my eyes will come forth and show themselves. Speaking with a voice softer than a butterfly’s landing I softly say... I am sorry God. I say this to him as if I was speaking to a dear friend that was standing right beside me. I say this to him with more sincerity than I have ever allowed myself to utter. Speaking with the clarity that only comes from the mind and the heart joining as one. But the thing that scares me, the thing that shakes me through the night is not the fact that he did not hear me or that I may have said the thing wrong or not been as real as I should have been... No.... The thing that scares me is that he would look back at me and say 'I am done... I am done until you can stand before me and tell me that you have done everything in your power, everything that you could have done to battle the demons that I have to battle for you every day. I am done until you can stand before me with the faith that although you have fallen you gave every inch of your heart to get to where you are... When you can do that... When you can look me in the eye without tears streaming down at the fact that you are hurt or that you have fallen and look at me with a boyish grin on your face because of the curve ball that I just throw you caught you off guard... When you can look at me and say YES God, I have done everything that I can, everything that I could have done, then we will move on."

My life consists of making the right decisions to appease the right people. I don’t make these decisions to make others happy mind you, but myself. I make these decisions every day because my personality thrives on the people around it. So it would seem that I spend almost every waking moment trying to make others around me feel better about them selves or at the very least feel happy. I guess you could see that as more of a selfless than selfish but by far it is quite the latter. So here is the situation, if you ever ask someone who works at least a 40 hour a week job they will attest to the fact that the people that you work with are the people that you spend quite a large amount of time with during your day to day and those that are around you every day can affect you every day. This is especially true if your personality is like mine and you live off of the people around you. So inside of my work day I have three co-workers that I directly work with and six co-workers that I work around. Now obviously if you could see my day to day you would agree that there are more but lets just skip the ones who don’t fit into this rant or rave today. Now out of the three co-workers that I directly work with one is a lot different than my personality, one is quite close, and one is just an odd mix. All three are very nice and likeable but there we are. Now one of those three is hard for me to be around only because of past mistakes that will haunt me until the day that my life here ends, the other is a red flag only because of who they are and how they act, and last but not least is a person who you cannot get close to only because they are simply hard to get close to. Not because there is some impenetrable wall or anything, just the fact that they are hard to get to know. Out of those three the person who I would rather spend my time with is either hard to get to know or past events have not allowed me to be who I really am so obviously there is the third who of course is a red freaking flag. To appease all others I try to spend as much time with that person and the group they fall into only because it would be an awkward feeling not to be involved in the group that I should probably be in. But now that I have been a little more forward in my time with different groups it has been said that I might be sliding down the ladder because of how it looks. So here I am. Do I stop all contact together with the people that I work with, put on my mask that I wear so well with others and be my loner self, do I stare social death in the work place in the eye and move forward with what groups I am somewhat apart of, do I move towards what people snicker and have suspicions about and just hold my head up high because, well it hurts to hang it down, or do I move out of my direct workers social circle and spend my time with the folks that may not be mentioned in this littler tiff of a feeling. Oh to the decisions that might make you or break you ONLY because people tend to want to help you out by pointing out what they see, which of course is always 20x20 for them and never for you. Oh I wonder what to do, how to feel, how to react. Maybe this long weekend might be the time I need to let those worries that have of course been on my mind softly fade away. I guess it is always best to leave a story like this in a positive or optimistic view so there I will stay…

How easy it would be to kill these emotions by taking my mind off of one travesty and focusing it on another. How else do you fix a problem in your life other than making a bigger one as to take your mind off of the former.

i think that my roller coaster of a life could only come from the thoughts that steamroll through. The ups and downs that move through my head about where my life is going, or where it should be, or where it is now always seem to have a spin on where it is. It seems that even when you sit down and try to make it through just one day where you can move on without thinking of the decisions that you make something pops up and puts you in a position to question where you are. But the problem is not that the questioning is the negative, it will always be a good thing to be able to question where you are which allows you to check yourself from time to time. No its the questioning that makes you think, what if the impossible where possible, what if the thing that never could be... could be. you sit and ponder such things until your heart slaps you across the face for committing such a travesty. Making emotions fall back into your lap that you had laid to rest so long ago. Oh to the moments where life came like a soft breeze in the spring air. Where you could laugh and play, live and love like no one was watching you. But cheers to the life where everyday seems to be a battle against the things that can never be beaten. A battle against the same heart and mind that try to get you through the pain but in some trip up of fate putting you back into harms way... I dont pray for salvation, I pray for an escape, an escape from my own heart which seems to bury itself under should of's, could of's, and would of's.

How could it be the right choice if there are tears in her eyes... I look to you tonight trying to find the right path, the right way, I hope that my actions were not on some foolish thought but because I believe in them so. My heart seems to be bleak and empty even when I am in the mist of possibilities beyond my wildest dreams. I hope that tonight you can hear my prayer and give those tear filled eyes relief knowing that the path that we are forced to walk in this nightmare is the right path. And if you cant give those sobbing eyes the strength and the belief that this indeed is the right path, at least give it to this lost soul. Here I stand in the dark shooting at what ever I hear move, I hope that it is not my angel coming to rescue me, because I will never know...