Life will keep going. Tomorrow is going to come regardless of how much I freak out or worry about it... might as well get some dinner, get some sleep, and be ready for the bastard when it gets here. Sorry for cursing Jesus... But it needed to be said.

You can't give up... Heart breaking into a million pieces. So lost you don't even know where to begin. Tears streaming down your face dripping onto the pieces of grass you clinch once you fall to your knees. You look up at god with veins popping out of your neck. You desperately trying and hold the tears back and keep breathing. It hurts, it always will... You hear you deserve more but feel as if you are getting less. You try to keep your composure with the tears knocking at the door... It hurts but you can't give up. You are in this life to serve god and he needs your help. You sit there on your knees in pain as he grabs your arms and tries to pick you up... You can't give up. The world is going to throw fast ball after fast ball right past you and sometimes in your face. Your chest will cave in and breathing will become a luxury but you can't give up. You strive for the best, you pull punches and dodge harmful moments. You avoid bad areas in your life until someone breaks through and breaks you into a million pieces but you cannot give up dammit. We stand here wanting more because we deserve it. We strive for the best not because it makes us feel good. But because we deserve it. And when the moment comes where adversity strikes you down you better get your ass off the ground and keep going. Because you will not give up. If you give up and take the backseat letting life give you second best look at yourself and simply ask what you are living for. An easy route, something tht won't kill you in the end. Or something so grand that it has the absolute power to destroy you without a moments notice. Live for that because he will not break you. He will build you up and fix every little piece.

Lips are numb. Head is on fire. And heart is missing in action. The only thing that can be mustered is a grin for good looks and a deep sigh. At the end of a prolonged pain which would have hurt just as much then as it does now. The only thing to do is pick up and get back to walking this path with the hopes that one day gods going to reveal something. Someone.

It is always miraculous right after you have a clear moment in life. And the funny thing is that moment doesn't even have to be all that clear. I feel as if my life is filled with spinning around at the center of crossroads just trying to figure out where to go. And then all of a sudden the prayers and efforts that were given seem to push through and you are given just a simple direction. You may not have any idea where that direction is taking you or what is really waiting for you around the bend but you trust that it is God who is telling you to go and you do it, without hesitation. The comical thing is that no more than seconds before you would not have accepted something as vague as a simple direction. You would have dismissed and been unsatisfied with nothing less than a detailed map and an exact destination. But God, with all his wisdom waits just long enough for you to get out of the way so you can try and walk the path he has waiting for you. Be blessed in hard times. Feel loved and be patient because God tells us that just around the darken clouds, brilliance awaits. and I cant even imagine what brilliance to our creator would look like through my simple eyes.

Don't we always feel like we just have tons to say... There are so many feelings running around inside that just contradict eachother... Feelings of fear, feelings of strength, feelings of pity and feelings of admiration. Never will you be able to explain your deepest fears nor your deepest courage. That moment when you look at something and tremble, your heart not really knowing what to do other than hide or at least go to a place that will save you from where you are... That moment when your body feels like it could lift the world and solve all of the problems nothing could possibly get in your way and nothing could possibly bring you to your knees... Colors so bright and the world so alive. You feel like you were reborn and the world is something you had never experienced until right then. Love and hate. Two things that rarely come separate or at least far apart. One moment you could be floating and then the next you are nothing more than gravity's play thing. When we fall we fall.. There is no soft stumble into the night or some easily defeated boogie monster that awaits our deepest nightmares. When we fly there is no height that could stop us. The clouds are mearly our friend giving us some cushion to lay on when we get to that perfect spot to just view gods perfection. Our life is so complicated only because we strive to understand it all. Truth be told I don't think that in a million years no matter how much we could plead with god we could never understand the complexities of the simplistest thing. Why does a heart beat and why does it beat special for certain things... And for those certain things why does it beat with enough intensity to light up even the darkest of dreams. I don't know the answers to most of the worlds questions nor do I expect to ever figure them out. I am mearly along for the ride.

I had a harsh thought once in my life... There was someone that I wanted to spend time with more than anyone else that I knew... This person made me smile, made me laugh, made me generally feel like nothing could touch me. I was safe in their arms and no matter what they would be safe in mine. One day I was restless with the fact that I had not seen this person in quite a while... Now when I say I had not seen them I don't mean really because I saw them probably every night... But that was just it. During the day or in usual times there was always something to do or plans that they had... So as I grew restless I grew more angry which was about the worst thing that you could do. So I asked why. Why do I get the last minutes of your time. Why not the best. Why do I get when you are getting ready to drift off into your dreams. I looked them right in the eye and asked why don't you give me the best moments or even give me a shot at the best moments. Sadden and hurt I turned around to fund Jesus standing behind me with a disappointed look. He looks at me right in the eye and says...... ditto.

I had a random dream just now... It's always funny to me those dreams that are really spot on to what you we're thinking about... But this particular dream was just a tease of emotions... When I woke up it was worse than the worst part of the dream. But life isn't always as pretty as it should be. So I insert my favorite saying it is what it is.