Even through these rough times.... Even through the moments that seem darker than most. The pain in my chest or the churning in my stomach. I want to say thank you Jesus... Through all of this I know there are many lessons that you blessed me with. And I am sure later down the road I will see all of them clearer than ever. But one right now that I believe was the best is you taught me how to be sold again. Since the last time I have been running through friends and relationships at a safe distance. I would be there enough to show my emotion but never to give it. These past two years have been amazing and I have chosen to be sold over something that I was secretly fearful of doing. You showed me a glimpse of that again and I am so excited for you to really open my eyes. You are an amazing savior...

Its funny how conversations go when hearts change. The sweet I love you's or the kinda hearted efforts of trying to say that special thing to make them smile. Thinking of them constantly and wanting to tell them every random detail that crawls through your mind. And then suddenly moving to hows the weather, or some other insignificant mask to hide what words are dripping from your heart. My mind pictures words on paper that are your basic conversation starters or enders. Its been a while's or how are you doing's... And then those letters dripping down the paper with what is really there. I miss you's and I love you's... and of course there is usually one person who really feels those masked words and the other is actually moving along... maybe not easily but moving none the less. but the masks are still there... Everything changes.

A very huge observation.... Not something that i was unaware of but still sometimes seeing what you know actually happen is pretty huge... I was going through a real tough time the other night and I decided that I would walk with my bible until he gave me an answer. That thought was influenced by a recent revival and it felt like it was confirmed by Jesus. So I started walking. Of course my mind ran around the lake I was walking around far more times than I did but Jesus still heard my pleas. The astounding observation was how quick the enemy chimed in. I am guessing what I needed to hear (which sadly I didn't) was pretty big based on just how fast the devil tried to jump on board. Funny thing is the seriousness of that just popped into my head I was writing this... But back to it! Lets not let the first voice always be the one we listen to. I know when we get into a corner and everything seems frustrating and fuzzy we want it to be cleared up right then. But grabbing the first helping hand isn't always the way to go. We should be comforted in that dark hole, of course wanting to get out, but knowing that we are not alone. We are waiting on the perfect person to come bring us out. And he just may be waiting on to want him specifically.

Its truly funny how settled we become. How tunnel vision can set in. I just watched a video on YouTube about prayer and how you should check yourself in how you pray. The idea is that we can get in a rut of praying the same way or for the same things and after a while we seem to be focused on the routine of the prayer rather than who we are praying to. It made me think of how I pray and how I talk about prayer. I was proud of myself for a little bit in the fact that I have always said I try to pray like God was standing right in front of me. As if we were old friends and just catching up. Although it doesn't always happen that way. But I was thinking about an earlier focus on trying to give Jesus the good things rather than just the bad and it dawned on me. In hard times who do I turn to... Jesus. In dark storms and high waves who do I run to... Jesus. When life seems to be kicking me in the face who do I run to... Jesus. But when life is going good who do I leave out... Jesus. Sometimes it gets to a point where when nothing is going wrong you have nothing to report. He is my support system, my grace, my leader and my safety but no where in those characteristics does it talk about someone who sits back and enjoys life with you. So maybe that became a routine for me. Praying in times of difficulty rather than all the time. Asking for God's attention when you were hurting rather than all day. My thought this morning was of disappoint because when I woke up my first thought wasn't to call on my best friend and the lover of my heart. My first thought was of sadness because of things that I cannot control. What silly games we play, blocking out those who mean the most when we need them the most. Don't let sadness or worry take away from your sharing with God. Don't let yourself take away the brilliance and happiness of your day from Jesus. Share the smiles and the tears at every point. Not only because you need him at every step but because he wants you at every step.

What are the things that we look for the most in the things we do... When you are looking for a new home what is one thing you look for in the location... Security? When we are looking for a new job what is one thing that you look for in the company... Security? When we look for a bank to put our life savings in what is one thing that you look for in the bank of your choice... Security? When we go to a new church, an emotional transfer, what is one thing that we look for... Security? When we make new friends or find someone to love what is one thing we hope for... Security? It doesn't matter why you need the security or for what but in all of these situations security protects you from the harm of the world. Your family's safety, job security, keeping your money safe, your faith and emotions are kept sacred and secure, keeping your heart safe and your worries at bay? As I fall I hope and trust that my heart is in good hands. I hope and trust that my emotions, my mind are in good hands. You are an investment, a vault, and a shelter for my heart and all I dream for is to feel safe and secure with you.

And being safe doesn't only mean not getting physically hurt... Not getting outed or spreading my secrets to the world... But that you will be here in the morning. That when I hand you over my most valuable asset it will be safeguarded and held with the utmost care.

How I met your mother... A great T.V. show... It's mostly a comedy but every now and then it will shock you with some in depth, heartfelt moment that makes you sigh and smile or feel like you just got hit by a truck. I think those type of shows always make you feel that way because it is such an unexpected shocker when they hit you with an emotional hammer. This particular episode says "Being a couple is hard. Committing and making sacrifices is hard. But if its the right person its easy. Looking at that girl and knowing that she is the only thing you ever really wanted out of life should be the easiest thing in the world. And if it's not like that, then she's not the one." At first glance my mind says that all of those things are hard but when your with the right person they are actually pretty easy. But after thinking about it for a little bit I don't think that thought is right at all. Being in a relationship or being a couple is difficult and having to give things up, compromise and making sacrifices is hard and it will always be hard. But if you are doing it for the person, the person that means the world to you making the decision to go through those difficulties is the easiest decision to make. Life is tough but we push through... Jobs are annoying but we keep going. Loving someone... Loving someone is hard but when its the right person you would make that leap time and time again never knowing if your going to be caught or able to catch yourself. When we love, when we really love, we love with courage. We love with an intense drive and an overflowing passion. And if we don't, if we are missing those moments... We are missing everything.

I will not be afraid. When the wind howls and the lighting crashes I will not be afraid. When the storms darken and the waves grow I will not be afraid. When the lights fade and the sun sets I will not be afraid. When hearts break and shadows creep I will not be afraid. When the dark screams and its blackness intensifies I will not be afraid. For my shelter protects me. I have peace because God is present in the storm. He claims it with a spoken word. Be still and know that he is God. Be strong and courageous for the Lord is with me. God is my strength and I am protected at all times, triumph or fear. No matter how dim the lights or how dark the nights. No matter how strong the storms or how high the waves I am protected. Be still and know that he is God does not ring out because you should know that is his name. That call does not merely say that we are safe. It means that our Father who can not be defeated is here. That we should not fear even in the most fearful of places because darkness cannot find him as he is our true light. I will shake... I will tremble... my voice will quiver but I will say He is God... He is my strength... And I am protected... And I am Loved...

Do we love expecting love in return. Do we express love to have it expressed back or do we express love because we love with a courage only described in fairytales and love stories. Do we love courageously or do we love fearing that we are not going to be loved back.

We whisper to God to remind us that we are worth something. That we are loved. We whisper to Jesus to wrap his arms around us and remind us that we are his and he has chosen us. But no matter how tight the grip or loving the response from either we will never feel the warmth of that safety if we do not accept what we ask for. I must believe that I am more important than I think. I must believe that I am mo loved than what I feel. If I don't believe then asking for the reminder seems like a waste of precious time.