A Life in Words

Again I slip and fall... I stand before God in all is grace and look him square in the eye, but I not pray for safety or some harbor to hide in. I do not pray that the winds and the rain may stop or that the storms subside. I do not ask for land to be near so these rough seas that throw my soul back and forth with the violence of a broken heart may stop hurting me so. No, I only fold my hands and slide down to my knees trying so hard not to look up because I know that if I do the tears that stand behind my eyes will come forth and show themselves. Speaking with a voice softer than a butterfly’s landing I softly say... I am sorry God. I say this to him as if I was speaking to a dear friend that was standing right beside me. I say this to him with more sincerity than I have ever allowed myself to utter. Speaking with the clarity that only comes from the mind and the heart joining as one. But the thing that scares me, the thing that shakes me through the night is not the fact that he did not hear me or that I may have said the thing wrong or not been as real as I should have been... No.... The thing that scares me is that he would look back at me and say 'I am done... I am done until you can stand before me and tell me that you have done everything in your power, everything that you could have done to battle the demons that I have to battle for you every day. I am done until you can stand before me with the faith that although you have fallen you gave every inch of your heart to get to where you are... When you can do that... When you can look me in the eye without tears streaming down at the fact that you are hurt or that you have fallen and look at me with a boyish grin on your face because of the curve ball that I just throw you caught you off guard... When you can look at me and say YES God, I have done everything that I can, everything that I could have done, then we will move on."