What do you do.... You take a deep breath. Stand up straight. You trust who you trust and start walking. There is no reason to sit down and cry today... Got other crap to do

Jesus... Listen to me now... There is nothing more in my life that I want than someone who I love just short of you... There is nothing more in my life that I want than someone who loves me just short of you... I trust your direction and I love your timing... But hear me when I say that is my heart... Nothing more

An ordinary day always seems to react to life as if it were going through the cycle of a years seasons. It always seems to start somewhere in between Summer and Fall. Waking up to a usually sunny morning as if to say the possibilities of a joyous day are endless. Moving to the mundane task of life as the day moves on your mind starts to wonder starts to ponder things that could only be thought about when it seems your life is being stretched tighter and tighter. As you mind sits and stares at the things running through it your heart decides to chime in, reminding your body of where you are in your life. Whether it be your social life, your work life, your family or even your love life. You heart pounds harder and harder trying to encourage your mind to focus on the things your heart as pushed forward. So you start to focus harder and the matters of the heart only to shut it up for just a few moments thinking if you give it the spot light for a moment the moment will be done. After hours of that single spot light and not a dry eye in the joint it starts to end the Fall season of your day and move into Winter.. A cold rush of an emotion starts to creep up and down your spine. You shiver in places you never knew could hoping that just for a second it would subside. Your heart starts to steer your mind in directions you would have never allowed to happen if only you realized. And just like the Winter season it last so much longer than you anticipated, so much longer than you wanted... Until your bones shake, your heart shivers and forces your blood to thicken and move more slowly. You sit back wondering when in the world will this emotion leave my mind, leave my heart. And just as quickly as it had started the snow starts to melt and the sunshine feels a little stronger than memory served. And finally Spring arrives. You get a big gulp of fresh air reviving your senses and even your spirit. You start to dance hoping that it will stay this way for at least a full life time...

This week has been harder than weeks past. I seem to find myself in a spinning room where at one point you can see a door and a window but then the room shifts and all you can focus on is a darken corner. My heart calls out begging for an answer and right when I feel like my ears are hearing just what I have been waiting for the words that are said have made things more confusing than before they were said. I have said that I am strong, that I am ok and I will get through this all but today and the day before I hurt... My heart trembles and it makes every inch of my soul shiver. Hold me tight dear God... Because tonight is going to hurt...

Could this be the start of the end...

At some point in your life you are going to have to make a decision. This decision could kill you, but then again you wont die. Its no way to live, waiting on love, so you have to stand tall and make a decision that could humble you to your knees or could give you wings.. Or in the rare moment both at the same time. You cant keep yourself hidden from the world, boundaries don't keep others out, they only fence you in. Life is messy... That's how we are made. We were never made to end this tragic time frame clean and unscathed. Use yourself and allow other the ability to see how its done. Dance for people and love with all of your might.

"I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. " - Maya Angelou

It is very simple... I wish you were here. I wish I was there. I wish it was different. I wish wishes came true.

My heart cries out to you. I finally get to a point where I can trust you with the things that I want the most. The things that I care about the most. You asked me for my heart, you asked me for my love and I gladly give it to you. But here I stand in the rain hoping that you give me a little direction with the pieces of my heart. I beg you to show me where I need to stand, when I need to run... Please take this heart and make it yours, make it feel the love that you have given me and show me where to go...

I feel as if just thinking about my life you will simply pop up. My mind will start to ponder about how i feel and my heart will try to over analyze what it feels. My mind will try to define it so that it can pick the right cubbyhole in my world to place it in. My eyes will glaze over as they replay in the back of my head all of the memories that I have saved. The good and the bad will rush to my hands making them shake from excess emotions that have been going around and around my mind. My heart will start to flutter from the romantic symbolism that comes from my over analyzing. It will start to beat harder and faster sending signals to my mind which in turn starts to race. Thoughts of love and passion float around my wondering mind as it drifts off into some sweet day dream where I can dance on the moon. The shirt I wear feeling tighter and tighter as my chest starts to expand. My feet start to feel the strain that my weaken knees cause them as I stumble through my world... My life. My breath becomes harder and more shallow trying to keep up with the strain my beating heart puts on my body. And at the last moment of this feeling my chest starts to push out and my hands grip my skin as my heart simply breaks pushing through to announce to the world simply that I love you...

Our greatest fear is not that we are unloved but that we can be loved. It is not the broken pieces of our hearts that frightens us but the heart that stands whole and beats loud inside our chest. Your playing safe does not serve the world there is nothing enlightened about shrinking your heart trying to keep it safe and whole when it has yet to be filled. We were all meant to love and believe as children do, without fear of pain or holding back trying to avoid being tattered or torn through life's changes. It's not in some of us but in everyone. And as we let our own hearts triumph over the quietness of life we unconsciously give others the ability to love and be loved without fear of being transparent or unguarded. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence, our light automatically liberates others.

Ringing in your ears... Your eyes crack open and you look around trying to make up your mind where the annoying unwelcome sound is coming from. You close your eyes hard and hold them closed for a while hoping that keeping them there will wash away any of the falsehoods that might be floating around your mind. But when you actually open them you realize that annoying sound is still going off. You turn to your lamp trying to lighten the room as you realize the sound is just your alarm. You hit the snooze button which silences the killer sound for a brief moment or two. You slide your hands to your face and try to wipe away the sleep and unconsciousness that is making the room tilt just a bit. You slide your body to the side of your bed as you sit up trying to get into the normal routine of your day. You take a deep breath realizing that the dreams are over and life has started once again. Always laughing to yourself as you remember just what world you had come from and battles you were fighting.. As the breath of your long overdue sigh starts to exhale from your chest you lean over to your cell phone as your mind remembers just what you do every morning. Your heart starts to beat more aggressively and your palms start to sweat just a bit. Your hair feels extra itchy and your skin starts to crawl. As your finger tips grip the edges of the portal to your life you try to swallow the lump that is growing in the back of your throat. You look at the green notification light that usually blinks to let you know somethings there. But alas there is no friendly lighting show. But you tell yourself that there have been times before that there was no notification but behind that blackened screen awaited a message from your long lost heart. So you smile hoping to prove the phone wrong once more. Sliding your fingers across the screen to wake up your sleeping friend to be sadly informed that nothing had come in that night. No simple hello or was thinking about you. You don't sigh with disappointment because of anger or frustration but more so that there was no proof that her heart has mirrored yours. Another morning that will start of with an uncertain emotion. And will keep your mind and heart on her for the rest of these simple 24 hours...

I still believe in a look. I still believe in love so very much that a simple look can suffice. A look across the room when two people connect without words, with out a psychical touch but connect on a level that is so often over looked. Your first instinct when you catch someones gaze is to look away, for what ever reason we dare not allow someone to notice our stare. But in that off chance, in that rare moment when you connect with someone who you would dare not look away, you fall in love all over again. Remembering why you had fallen the first time. Knowing that the moments that lay behind you and stand in front of you are moments that you cherish because you love every minute spent and not spent with this person. Who you were before them was just a person dreaming of this day... Who you are after them is just someone who's soul has been touched... I still believe in this moment, a moment where all that is needed to change your world is a simple catch of that special persons gaze, and then off to lovey dovey land where there is no coming back.

You have moments in your day that pop up and make your life seem exciting... Those moments are usually some big experience or awesome news that just came to mind but on a rare instance its something a lot smaller. A moment, a clip, a song, a thought that just hits you and makes you think of all the possibilities that you have in your life. You feel as if the invisible celling that you feel every day is gone, that your office or room isn't closing in on you right now that it actually just opened up and you realize all the cool little things you can, like write on your walls, on your windows, tape things up... And for that moment, that brief little moment your free. Free inside your life where things aren't as bleak as they once were. I love those moments, those moments where you can just let yourself go and remind yourself that there are tons of things that can be done, there are moments that can happen and things that can change. Although there are some things that are in your life that will never change from what they are, that doesn't mean we have to sit in the rain and stare at them. I love those little moments that god can share with us without making it feel as if it some huge spiritual thing... something quiet and easy but up lifting at the same time...

For the very first time I believe I can say though the outcome is fuzzy and I dont know for a fact that it will turn out the way that I want it to, I trust that what will come will be amazing... I trust that what God will bless me with will be so far beyond my wildest dreams that I will be frozen in awe of what he has planned to bless me with. I am not afraid that this will hurt, I am afraid that it isnt what I think it should be, but I believe with all of my heart that its going to be awesome in the end... Thank you God for this peace inside of all of this. Thank you for your shoulder right when I need it... Thank you for being who you are...

I have been sitting here waiting for someone to come into my life and tell me that they love me... I have been waiting for someone to just whisper those words... I have fought to keep that, I have loved and loved trying to feel loved for just a simple moment but it never lasted. I thought that my life was just going to be void of an ever lasting love... I thought that it just wasn't my season... Well as I pray, I say over and over please God send me someone who loves me... Someone who loves me please send to my life... And god gently whispers, im right here... and have always been and always will... I can love you like no other... You will never find someone who is so head over heels for you... Never will you find someone who's heart beats for you the way mine does..

Cutting... Never really thought about it much but its always been something in the back of my head. Always wondered what could possibly be going through the minds of people who cut themselves. I have read a few posts about it trying to understand what they could be experiencing and from what my heart tells me it is some release of excess emotion. When you get filled up with emotions that you are trying to suppress and you have no more room in your heart or your head you release them by opening your body up, making you feel better with the pain. It was such a foreign emotion to cut myself trying to make myself feel better. There is no way that I would ever do that. No way that I would ever take that emotion from God and try to deal with it myself. But I realize that cutting yourself is not just physical. What is cutting. It is inflicting pain or injury on yourself. What is injury? Damage or harm done to or suffered by a person is the definition that I found and no where in that does it say physical. There are things in my life that my heart runs to, not because it is safe or because it is right but because it is familiar. When life is going well or smooth I never seem to have this problem but when life is to much and my tiny heart cannot stand the tension anymore I see myself running back to that same safety. I realize that Jesus has been waiting on me this whole time to run to him. Anyone who has ever conflicted pain on themselves knowingly or oblivious to the fact listen up. Jesus is waiting for you... He has been waiting for you to run to him for your entire life. I dont want to feel that same pain over and over and settle for it just to get away from the pain im running from. Here I am Jesus... and this hurts... But I trust that you got it... I trust that you have the direction that I need to be running... Never doubted it from the start, but man this does hurt

We starve for the perfection in our lives… We search and search trying to find just the right moment when life opens its doors to reveal where we are, where we are going and when it doesn’t we seem to start opening doors desperately trying to find the call before the ending. Our hearts beating as tick tocks of a clock… We hear the thumps in our chest which pushes us to search even faster, more carelessly that when we find something that fits the mold we grip it with two hands and hold on tight as if the crushing wave of life itself is just behind us waiting to pounce… This truth, this lie that we have found in our desperation of being saved is the thing that we hold close, the thing that we grip to while we dangle off the edge of the world. We dare not look down to see the darken pit that goes on and on with no ending in sight that is just below the edges of our toes. We grip to this thing that could be wrong, could be right with every inch of our hopes, every inch of our dreams and if we dare to let go we will fall into the bottomless pit of uncertainty, of life not known by our careful hearts… life that we have not lived, where knowing is not an option and being safe in a blissfully unaware mind is just a fond memory. Oh how easy it would be if it were just easy to let go.

I wonder if we were able to see... I wonder if we were able to psychically see the shield in one hand and the sword in the other. I wonder if we could feel the hot steel on our bodies, the helmet heavy on our head... I wonder if we could hear the battle cries and the screams of fallen enemies and fallen friends a like if that would change our vision. I wonder if we could see the fight between good and evil if our hearts would change, if we could see that our strength and our weaknesses are not just our own but all of your brothers and sisters along with you. I wonder if we could open our eyes to the fight going on through out the world could we really see our commander and chief ruling from the heavenly clouds... Would we change, would how we fight change... Would we look at the battle not as some video game or movie you can stop and reset when the parts get to scary or to hard. Would we stand, would we fall, would we rise up and challenge the shadows that stand before us or would we slip away hoping to avoid the conflict in our hearts. I wonder if the sights, the sounds, the smells, the horrific cries in the night or the screaming would harden our hearts... If we would be sold or for sale... If we would fight with the fire of God or if we would stand by and play the sidelines.

I know in the end as long as I stay true to the idea that I will be fine in Jesus... That as long as I walk beside him the path that he created for me will never over take me. I know that everything that I have gone through, am going through, or will go through is a designed idea that will get me to where he wants me in the end... but right now letting her go out of my mind is not something that I want to do or even feel like I should do.... you told me to just wait, to just hold on and you would show me where I needed to be... I wait, I walk beside you waiting to see what you see. I can promise you that I trust you, I can promise you that no matter what I believe in you and that you will pull me through whatever could come up, but along with you she also has my heart... and although any other time I would say we need to figure out how to get it back I don't really want to pray that prayer...

Was just thinking last night when something really really bad happened that it was funny to me when you have God on your mind you seem to find the good in things. I could not help the fact that I could point out all the possible outcomes that could have happened that would have been so much worse that what happened... Thanks G for giving me a calming way to look at it. If I had not been calm I don't think I would have been able to fix anything at that point... You really saved me last night... Thanks,

Soo... Here I am wanting to say something profound and poetic about how I feel at the deepest levels of my heart... Here I am wanting to convey the emotions that float around my life at this particular point in my life... Here I am.... Wanting to say.. God, yea your right, this is tough, this is a little on the painful side, but ya know all these random quotes that float through my head about your awesome love, all these random verses about you loving me deeply seem to be quiting the darken shadows that randomly walk through my heart... I love that you do that... I love that when I just whisper your name it seems like a warm blanket right now... Well, i havent said it today so i guess I will... you rock...

Thanks G....

Goodnight world

Thought of the day... Although everyone I know thinks I am a cocky little dude I think I am quite the opposite... But as I think about it, the mask that I wear to lead people away from who I really am (its a defense dont hate me for it) is cocky... So to sum that up my mask is cocky... Not who I really am but it is the who I am choosing to be. choosing to wear a mask allows you to avoid being who you really are... but do you choose a who that is close to you or one that is far away... I have gifts that God gave me... Gifts that I am supposed to use for good at some point in my life, and who the heck do I think I am by not honoring those gifts that I was given by my father and not share them with the world... Dont ever be afraid to show who you are... You never know, someone in your life could be in your life to see that mask come down... They could be waiting and waiting just for a glimpse of who you are... Always be real... Dont be fake... Yea the Bible actually says to people dont be fake, how awesome is that... But that comes from a guy who has always worn a mask to protect himself... In all realaity what it did was clip my wings... Ok mental note, another thing I will be working on here... Being me... I will stand up, I will speak, I will walk because I know that God gave me something and dang it im gonna use it.

My thoughts for this evening G... I am scared out of my mind about praying to you in front of everyone at youth next week. I know I am a public speaker and all but this is different than speaking. This is me, sharing my heart for you in front of other people... Not so assuring. I don't know if it scares me to think that they might not like my ideas, that they might not like my thoughts or where I stand, I don't know if its just a random uncomfortableness or if I'm just dramatic... But sure enough when i think about doing it in front of anyone its pretty terrifying. But none the less I had a thought the other day when I was talking to P. Frank.... I said that I knew with out a doubt from times that have passed when I get up there you give me the shakes to get me going and the strength to get me through. I think when I said that a feeling of amazement washed over me. No matter what you seem to always give me the strength to push through. I have not always been right there with the thank you or the you rock but deep down I always tipped my heart to you... You really do know how to give me what I need right when I need it. I wonder if that timing is to give me a sense of satisfaction while giving you the glory and praise for a job well done... I wonder if its a lesson every time to learn to lean on you... To go as far as I can go and not worry about the extra little step because I know you will be there... I wonder if you just rock that way and there really doesn't need to be an explanation... I think I like all three put together there... yea... Well lets just say you rock and leave it at that... I think I could go on and on tonight but I wont... See you in my dreams... OH YEA, thanks for the towels... I really did need them!!!

So all week this week I have been telling myself that I need to go get some small towels for work. Every morning during an event I have to wipe off the seats of the golf carts because there is always dew on them.. Every morning I have to randomly find a shirt or some type of napkin so I can wipe EIGHT carts down so you don't get soaked while driving them. I went to walmart, forgot to get towels, I went to lowes, forgot to get towels, I went to publix, forgot to get towels, I EVEN WEN TO MY HOUSE.... AND forgot to get towels. So for a week I have been saying over and over I need some freaking towels. Wouldnt you know it, God decided to make my day just a little better by having the girl at Smokin Jims insist I take some towels when I ordered some take out.... Gods great... with the big and with the small... Hes great through it all... (I know I know, I just had to rhyme...)