I cant stop thinking about this line in in what Love really means... Love me for me, not for what I have done or what I have become... On a level between you and God that is a given, he loves me for me... Mainly because he created me, who knows who I am and doesn't need to be convinced. But can you imagine someone loving you for you... Not with the idea of what you will do with your life, or what you have done... But loving you for who you are, true blue, straight up and down, right as rain love...

I should be fighting dragons... I should be climbing long winding stairwells trying to get to you. I should be riding my faithful steed through dark haunted forests and battling the shadows within myself, within you, within the moments that try and steal our hearts away. But instead I battle time, I battle worries, I battle things that have not yet come with no promises that they actually will. I battle my insecurities, I battle my fears. I battle the lacking of my faith in moments where promises and whispers should push me to triumph. I battle the past and decisions made so long ago that still haunt today.

What freedom a rouge tear has. Your life simply moving on through out the day, and then a random emotion starts to fall down your cheek. You softly wipe it away thinking nothing of it at the time but as your fingers feel the wetness and the faint trail that it had left your mind begins to wonder. See nothing in life can happen without you questioning the significance of it. Although the world and life itself would be a far better place if in fact we could just let things happen without needing to know exactly why or how. But as you feel that vague track of dripping emotion running down your face you start to wonder just what it could be. Your mind races to your heart and tries to find some logic of why you would showing such emotion. Your heart seems fine and intact even your mind tries to figure itself out to see if it was caused by something that he was thinking. But no, you sit there wondering just what it is that is going on with this emotion without the ability of finding an answer. So you stand up and declare to anything that had an opinion that in fact that tear was simply a rogue tear, a fluke that meant nothing in the long run. How I wish other things in life we could just accept.

It has always been funny to me that certain people in your life have such a commanding pull over your emotions. Its not like they missus such a power or consciously know that they even have it, but it is astonishing how a simple sentence, a certain reaction, even the slightest look can send your heart into a tailspin. I don't know if I should be amazed at the sheer awesome power that they may hold or be amazed at how much we obviously care about them. Either way it is quite an experience to say the least.

So instead of some effort to push out a poetic summary of my nights I am going to just spill my thought, which I have no meaning, reasoning, or idea what the heck it is. For a year I have been talking about paying off my truck, I have been fantasizing on all of the little things or big things I could do with the money I would be saving and one of those thoughts was buying a house. I got so excited at the idea that I could move out of my parents (which is killing me that I am not in my own place) and be on my own that I decided that I would try and pay the truck off early. So the beginning of the month came and I had the money to pay my truck off a full year early which was very exciting to me and exciting that I would be able to move forward in looking at a house. I talked about it and talked about it to everyone especially God. I had budgets, decoration ideas, desired areas but still no real feedback from God. I thought it was funny that he was letting me move a big decision like this forward but didnt think about it to much. Then a thought randomly crossed my mind that instead of buying a house maybe I should buy a new truck. As I thought about it, it sounded like a much better idea because whos to say my future wife down the road would like what I bought. Whos to say that I am going to stay here in Florida when I get married. Whos to say that we would have enough money to support the house. Yes a smaller finacial decision was a much better decision because in the end right in the middle of getting married, getting a house, talking about BIG spending thoughts I would be stuck with the fact that I would be needing a new truck. I dont know if thats next year, the year after or in five years... But I would for sure be in need of a new truck at any one of those marks. So the thought randomly crossed my mind about buying a truck and the all of a sudden I get a call from Lakeland Toyota telling me about their buy back program and how many trucks they had that I could be looking at. I laughed on the phone because for a year I had been talking to everyone especially God about buying a house and then in ONE DAY I had an idea that I might buy a truck and it seemed that God was saying YES DO THAT.... DO THAT... Ok my man... I hear ya... You are just funny to me sometimes in how you randomly grab my attention on things like this.

Can't seem to fall back asleep again... To much on your mind that seem to chase your dreams away. Your body tries to give you little hints reminding you that it would be great to finish what deep sleep you had just awoken from. You are frustrated with yourself that the thing that is usually so easy for you to do seems an impossibility at this moment. Falling asleep. Like falling in love maybe, something that can only be done when you are finished worrying about everything. Thoughts running through your mind in the upcoming morning but oddly enough its a rarity that in fact you are thinking of only the morning. A sleep deprived moment always seems perfect for thoughts of your life, of your future. Will I be great, will I do better. Will I beat this, will I fall short. What can I do here, what didn't I do there. You always seem to try and finish the puzzle of your life while you sit there trying desperately to trick yourself back into some sense of sleep. I have not woken up to this feeling in a long time... Feeling of unrest, hope, and fear all mixed into one heart beat. Where is this coming from Jesus... My eager mind tries to over-analyze this emotion as if it were placed on me with the most symbolic meaning at the most symbolic time. Which in all reality I should just so willingly be able to grab the emotion throw it to Him and roll back over to the dream I had been living. But instead here I am typing away... Jesus, you wanna grab this for me?

If you were to read a book... Watch a movie... Or experience a fine piece of art would you take away from that moment by searching for the creator of the thing you were seeing and ask them what they meant by it?