How do you describe a feeling as small as a sigh... Something that everyone hears, something that everyone can feel when they hear, something that everyone understands without needing any words. That feeling when your body reaches its most tense point, where your body's muscles all contract and everything feels tight. Your eyes roll into the back of your head and your lips close shut, your lungs start to take in more and more air feeling as if they are going to explode and then all at once like a train releasing steam your airways open and you let slide out this small steady flow of air. Your lungs depleting and your chest caving in as it feels like with every inch of the air you release you are releasing every bad memory, every stressful feeling. Your body tingling gently as you take your first breath all over again, your fingers feeling lighter than every and your eyes slowly slide open and you look at what scene you thought you just blew away. And you sit there wondering how you could take a deep breath and right before the sigh you could just stay in that feeling... Everything melting away, everything feeling as if the world for just that brief moment floated over everything

Slightly amazed that God sends who he sends... Its always been funny that right when I close up during situations he sends someone that I didn't ever expect to close up to. Good job G... You know how to break through my heart every time with incredible ease.... Quite impressed

How do you look Jesus in the face and say, I trust the path... I trust that you are showing me a path to walk, a lesson to learn or lessons to be learned. I trust that you have my hand through all of this and that everything will be ok... How can I say that to him while your world is spinning off tilt and your eyes are starting to blur from the tear drops that slide down your face. We walk by faith, not by sight... I follow you not because I always know where we are going or we are going there but because I trust you blindly. You point so shall I walk... But I know that you know how bad this hurts, I know that you know my heart feels like it is going through a cycle of hard long pounding beats... And I know that you would not send me down this road for no reason... So I walk, not knowing where or why I am going but that I am going with you... so sing me a song or whistle me a tune and I will skip my way through this darkened moment holding your hand like a lost little boy...

God.... Such a small word with such a big meaning. Today, I am amazed that you are here... I amazed that through it all... Through the trips and the falls... Through the walking aways and the running aways... Through the moments when I was done and had given up you were still there... I am honored to be loved by you... I am honored to be something that you get excited over... I love that you are strong, I love that you are a good listener, I love that I fit perfectly in your arms, I love that my tears always seem to look good on your shoulder, I love that you make me laugh even when you haven't said anything, I love that you put things in my path that are such a small detail but have such a large meaning, I love that you take the time to watch me grow, I love that you trust me... That you trust me enough to hold my hand even when I cant see... I love that you send me in my room to search for some random video and you let me find the first video that I had ever made... I had looked for that stupid video for 5 years and last night was the night that you let me find it... I love that those little details, those little things that I have never said before that I love... Listen to me now... I LOVE them... I love every one of them... Those moments where I didn't even understand that they were you, the moments that I had no idea that I could look up and express my excitement... I love every minute of them... I really do love that You said go look for this in this room at this time in this place and what I could i have found, a video that I didnt even know I was looking for... I love that my last waking moment last night was spent watching my love for you...

Can you hear me say love, do you hear me when I say love... i have not said those letters together with a meaning behind it in so long... I have not been able to look you in the eye and express that feeling on a level that had anything to do with real... I love that you showed me that again... I love that you lead me to that once again...

Well if you want something funny... A thought to rattle in your mind for just a moment... Here ya go... No more than 24 hours ago did I let slide out of my mouth that I was tired of not writing any blogs. I let my mind wander trying to figure out just what it was, what the reason behind me not writing was. And then i thought of what I wrote, what blogs I had written. As I thought I realized that my blogs are all centered around moments that are upsetting, moments that hurt or are simply not the best. Very rarely in fact did I ever sit down and type out good feelings, moments of triumph in my life whether it was spiritual or just a good day in general. I had never had the urge to get on and scream to the world how God was good... How life was good, because it seemed that no one really wanted to hear that life was treating me well. So I had to think what I could say, what good things could come to mind that I could sit down and express to the world, ironically it was that night that things changed and became a little less than impressive or exciting. But none the less a thought did sneak into my mind. I have come to Jesus a lot about things here and there... most of the time it was about things that were not going well or problems that I was having.. It could have dealt with him directly, needing his power or his love but a lot of it was just me venting... Saying what the heck does all of the mean, why is all of this happening... And as i thought of those facts... those moments of me coming to complain about life or moments inside of life I thought how I would react to that if someone were do the same thing to me... think about it, do you think that you would sit there idly by while someone sat down every day to tell you about their life and the bad things that were happening... Do you think that you could sit there and listen to them complain day after day and be able to withstand it... do you think that you could sit there and hear nothing but negative after negative that rarely had anything to do with you or rarely had them asking for you to help in any way... I don't think I could just put my arms out there day after day after day and play the hero. I don't think that I could sit there and really care about someone so much that I would open my arms at the first sign of their need. But dear god does Jesus ever not welcome my tears, my frustration or anger... You rock for that Jesus... you rock for having the strength and the love to sit back and listen to my ranting and raving day after day. I promise I will do better, I promise that I will bring to you my happy just as much as anything else... you deserve to hear the blessings from my mouth that you have given me... Thank you for that chance, the chance to change and become something new... something bigger than I could have ever imagined... I am amazed at the willingness that you have to hold me tight and let me walk the path you foresaw for me. Thank you for giving me a chance...

Forever in my adultish life i have been apart of relationships... I have had best friends and i have had the other end of the scale. I have had brothers and sisters (which of course are not blood). I have had loves and people who just didn't quite reach the mark. I have always been in a position that I could decide to either thrust my heart at someone and give them my all or hold back with the fear of getting left behind. Most of the time i had chosen the latter due to the fact that getting left behind was a taste that did not sit well in my mouth. I had chosen to hold back only to save my heart and my soul the painful feeling you get when you live life. So I decided about six months ago that I was tired of living the smallest amount possible to actually classify the breaths that were being taken as living. I put myself out there even when all hope seemed to disappear and all reason seem to point in other directions. And now here I am, at the end of that dark uncertain tunnel looking back at the short road that I had taken.. The bumps and bruises that came from such a short amount of traveling still lingering around. thoughts run through my head of what I could have said or done that would have made the road different, that could have changed the dead end that i had reached. My heart beats slowly this morning staring at the darkened wall that stares back at me. My mind races trying to at least find a point that I can say this is where I stand, I have this emotion. My soul wanders hoping to find some sense of acceptability of this moment that stands in front of me. I sit and stare thinking to myself that shockingly I trust the direction that God has randomly chosen for me. I feel inside my heart from the simple slow beats that it sneaks out a sense of faith that everything will be ok. A calming voice at the back of my neck whispering thoughts of brighter days, moments to come, and loves to love... Oh how I wish that what my heart is set on was the true path that I was created to walk... Oh how I wish that times were different and I could hold my life in my arms while I drift fast asleep. But at the same time while I wish those wishes I trust that the prayers that my heart prays are being heard... and Jesus will hold me tight through it all.... How could I ask for more of a friend, more of a love then someone whos arms are always out. Someone that listens to you even though your emotions dont always have something to do with them... I love that Jesus loves playing the hero, and I love that he does it so well... Thanks J

Look, I pulled this stupid thing out of my chest so you could see it, feel it, know it and now that you are having second thoughts how the heck am i supposed to put the thing back in...