A Life in Words

Forever in my adultish life i have been apart of relationships... I have had best friends and i have had the other end of the scale. I have had brothers and sisters (which of course are not blood). I have had loves and people who just didn't quite reach the mark. I have always been in a position that I could decide to either thrust my heart at someone and give them my all or hold back with the fear of getting left behind. Most of the time i had chosen the latter due to the fact that getting left behind was a taste that did not sit well in my mouth. I had chosen to hold back only to save my heart and my soul the painful feeling you get when you live life. So I decided about six months ago that I was tired of living the smallest amount possible to actually classify the breaths that were being taken as living. I put myself out there even when all hope seemed to disappear and all reason seem to point in other directions. And now here I am, at the end of that dark uncertain tunnel looking back at the short road that I had taken.. The bumps and bruises that came from such a short amount of traveling still lingering around. thoughts run through my head of what I could have said or done that would have made the road different, that could have changed the dead end that i had reached. My heart beats slowly this morning staring at the darkened wall that stares back at me. My mind races trying to at least find a point that I can say this is where I stand, I have this emotion. My soul wanders hoping to find some sense of acceptability of this moment that stands in front of me. I sit and stare thinking to myself that shockingly I trust the direction that God has randomly chosen for me. I feel inside my heart from the simple slow beats that it sneaks out a sense of faith that everything will be ok. A calming voice at the back of my neck whispering thoughts of brighter days, moments to come, and loves to love... Oh how I wish that what my heart is set on was the true path that I was created to walk... Oh how I wish that times were different and I could hold my life in my arms while I drift fast asleep. But at the same time while I wish those wishes I trust that the prayers that my heart prays are being heard... and Jesus will hold me tight through it all.... How could I ask for more of a friend, more of a love then someone whos arms are always out. Someone that listens to you even though your emotions dont always have something to do with them... I love that Jesus loves playing the hero, and I love that he does it so well... Thanks J