The clock ticks by during the day,,, You go through the normal routine of your life as you perform the duties that you have signed on to in your profession. You stare down the clock as its ticks get slower and slower waiting for the day to end and the evening to begin. You have nothing planned officially but you always have a hope or two of how the night will go. Usually you cling on to the idea that you will be with someone regardless of who that someone will be. Usually you latch on to someone close to you or at least someone you can rely on to be there... If you are in love or at least at loves edge you fall into that safe feeling where you imagine the night of you being in the arms of that person or at least are around that person. If you are more of the free spirit you imagine the fun that will come from the night that is almost lying at your feet. Tick tock as the clock makes its last few efforts in slowing the day down enough to avoid letting you go but as it gets closer and closer the excitement grows inside of you as you start to think of what the night may hold. You start your journey away from the day to day duties that you have and move toward the sanctuary of your life. You do a few small things here and there to prepare yourself for the night ahead. You may clean up a little, light a few candles or put on some music... You may wash your face and throw on some sweet smelling thing while you find yourself something good looking to wear. But those little insignificant things that you do to prepare are only the work before the excitement. The excitement is the waiting for that person to get to your place, the car ride to pick them up or standing outside the theatre waiting to see their smile. Your heart starts jumping as your mind wonders, your eyes looking for that person, your heart beating louder and louder just to make sure that you're awake. Your palms becoming sweaty, your breaths a little deeper, your mind wondering, and you find yourself restless. And then the moment comes where you see them coming around the corner, driving up to your house, or walking out of theirs and what is a simple moment turns itself into a lasting impression on your heart. Your hands tighten and you take a deep breath trying to get your chest cavity as far away from your heart as possible hoping that it will stop your shirt from jumping because of the hard beating from your heart. You close your eyes softly and put on a smile hoping that they cannot see the intensity of your emotions. You walk towards them meeting them quicker than you expected only because you were not paying attention to the walk due to the fact you had no more to give away from them. Your arms open because of habit and they slide in more than likely for the same reason. You try and shrug off how amazing it feels by giving a small light hearted hug but as you do your heart falls into a calming relief and you hold them as if they were the most fragile thing you have ever touched but in a way that nothing could possibly tear you apart. You look that person in their eyes as if you had not seen them in ages and as if you never wanted to look away. You both lean forward trying to give a simple kiss... Your lips touch so softly it is as if a butterfly were landing with sore feet. Your hands shaking behind their back slide against them holding them firm in your hands as you both quietly kiss... Moving away softly and looking at each other as if your eyes had never let go. You swallow quietly trying to get the lump out of your throat and sigh deeply trying desperately to restart you heart. You grab their hand and walk them to where ever you are going as the night has only just begun.

She lays in your arms as your finger tips slowly slide through her hair. Her eyes open and close as you feel her taking soft steady breaths. Your gentle hands teasing themselves with the notion that they are as close to touching an angel as they can be. Your body solid as a rock holds her firm with confidence while your heart tries to escape your chest with its quick, rapid beating. You sigh... quietly hoping to allow this emotion to leak from you without being noticed. She seems happy with your touch, and you dare not move trying to avoid the inevitable goodnight. You stare at the clock as its seconds speed up and you desperately try to find something to trade for just seconds more. she looks at you saying goodnight as her eyes say don't go... your heart almost breaking as you start to walk away instead of wrapping her in your arms and never letting her go. You look back to wrap these feelings up, to sigh and say goodnight hoping that time will pass by as quickly as it did tonight until the next time you can see her face... hear her voice...

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Sometimes I wish I could put a label on how I feel but I think its less that I feel something and more that I am bored with the current situation.

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I can't wait for the day to come when I can hold my girlfriends hand and look at her while these words tremble from my lips. I have waited my entire life to be able to look you in the eye and tell you simply that I love you with all my heart, that I have longed to be yours and only yours since the moment you slid into my arms. I have waited my entire life to tell you that I will love you with every inch of my heart and give you every inch of my life.

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I wonder why we think we need to have everything under control. Everything fixed before we go talk to god. I feel like when its time for me to go get right with god I have to be squeaky clean, that I have to shine. I know somewhere in my kind that god cleans me and wipes the dirt out of my eyes but for some odd reason when I actually fall in the dirt I push his hands away and force myself to push through the tears and wipe away the dirt. I don't know why that is a first reaction for me. I don't know why that is what happens before anything else. I wonder if one day I will get tired of doing such a spotty job. I wonder if I will ever get tired of doing something half way and actually trust him to help. Actually trust him to move into my heart and heal the pain. I wonder.

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I wonder if a human heart is just in need of pain. I feel as if every moment that I could be able to grasp at some random incident and make it seem as if the world was out to get me, my heart is much to eager for the task.

Again I slip and fall... I stand before God in all is grace and look him square in the eye, but I not pray for safety or some harbor to hide in. I do not pray that the winds and the rain may stop or that the storms subside. I do not ask for land to be near so these rough seas that throw my soul back and forth with the violence of a broken heart may stop hurting me so. No, I only fold my hands and slide down to my knees trying so hard not to look up because I know that if I do the tears that stand behind my eyes will come forth and show themselves. Speaking with a voice softer than a butterfly’s landing I softly say... I am sorry God. I say this to him as if I was speaking to a dear friend that was standing right beside me. I say this to him with more sincerity than I have ever allowed myself to utter. Speaking with the clarity that only comes from the mind and the heart joining as one. But the thing that scares me, the thing that shakes me through the night is not the fact that he did not hear me or that I may have said the thing wrong or not been as real as I should have been... No.... The thing that scares me is that he would look back at me and say 'I am done... I am done until you can stand before me and tell me that you have done everything in your power, everything that you could have done to battle the demons that I have to battle for you every day. I am done until you can stand before me with the faith that although you have fallen you gave every inch of your heart to get to where you are... When you can do that... When you can look me in the eye without tears streaming down at the fact that you are hurt or that you have fallen and look at me with a boyish grin on your face because of the curve ball that I just throw you caught you off guard... When you can look at me and say YES God, I have done everything that I can, everything that I could have done, then we will move on."