A Life in Words

In the past couple of months I have gone through this grand new reexamination of my life with God. I am not going to lie in saying that during this time I have found myself peaceful at where I was with it all but I am not going to stand up and scream that I was at the end of my rope either... Even though I may have felt that I was. For quite a while during this process I was terrified that all of my romantic ideals and all of my hopeless lovey believes were so far from the truth that I had missed the mark on so many levels. I was quite afraid that what I believed in about love was a fantasy or at the very least misplaced. I am starting to believe that I was wrong in all accounts. I will submit to the fact that yes God does come first, or at least should. That when your heart is bleeding for something or being given to someone God better have had come first in this process. It has been and will forever be insanity to think that you can give away something that doesn't even belong to you such as your heart... And give it away before you give it to the person who loves you the most. I strongly believe that through thick and thin God had always been there for me even if I wasn't mature enough or strong enough to either acknowledge that fact or give credit where credit was due. I also strongly believe that God made me, made my heart and he spent precious time doing it so I know that deep down but maybe even closer than I suspect there is a heart and a person who was meant to be a part of this world. And I still strongly believe that the way my heart loves, longs for love, or even looks at love isn't a mistake made by a cruel world... but more so a father who knew that the world needed more of such a thing. So here I stand purged of all the frightened thoughts that I could have that the way my heart beats and loves is off center... All of the scary dreams that my one true love will make my life even closer to what it should be and that be a wrong fantasy. Here I stand believing that somehow for whatever reason God had decided to give me a heart that longed for romance, that longed for love with the believe that maybe even for a small seconded he wanted me to feel towards him and others just a minuet amount of what he feels towards me. So, like I said... Here I stand believing that not only should I love, but love with no holding back...