She writes on her arm because she thinks she's worthless. He watches his porn because he thinks he's not good enough. She is mean and nasty because she thinks people are going to hurt her. He's promiscuous because he doesn't think he deserves love. She hides because she thinks no one wants to find her. He lies because he thinks no one wants to see who is is. She lies because she thinks no one cares. He's scared because no one has ever protected him. She's scared because no one has ever saved her.

My horoscope and superstitions have been right some times. They have been so close its creepy. But they have also been wrong more times then not. But Jesus has never been wrong. Jesus in my life has been something I can count on and something that I can trust.

You never know quite what you need.. There are moments when you feel uninspired, when you feel lost from the world and you would do anything to find your way back. You search and search for this feeling of awaken sensibility that you cant seem to find to make your day. That feeling when you walk out of a warm house and into a cool breeze outside. That moment when your lungs fill up with fresh air and you breathe in this calming temperature which allows your heart to flutter just enough to awaken the senses trapped inside you. That moment when you finally realize just what you wanted in a moment, just what you needed to smile for that brief second. You didn't figure out your life or have some world altering moment that conquered all of your troubles but for that moment, just for a moment you were at peace. Your world spun the right way and at the right speed, you were breathing normal again and your heart seemed to idle just long enough to feel the emotions surrounding you. You felt love, you feel friendship and belonging. You remembered all the little things that one should remember in a day and you cherished each memory as it passed by. You danced in lost moments gone by and you snuggled up to hopes long since forgotten. Like a warm blanket on a chilly day you wrap yourself in life. Those moments we easily forget only because life seems to beat it out of us. What a great memory... What a great moment...

Its like an itch... Something on the part of your body that you can never quite get. There are plenty of times that you get so close you feel the itch go away but somehow it still ends up itching all over again with even more intensity. Its a craving. Knowing that you want something so bad everything else seems to be just a bore when the thought crosses your mind. You feel uninspired and unchallenged due to the fact that your not where you want to be or doing what you want to do. The problem is you don't know exactly where to scratch, you don't know exactly what it is you want you just know that somethings there, somethings missing, you need something more, something else...

And then the moment comes...

A deep longing satisfaction. Like that itch we finally are about to reach, the movie we finished and sat in silence wondering what we'd do differently had the director thought to include us in the narrative too. Its like finding something you never knew you were looking for, true love. But once you have it, you wonder how you lived without it. And you know as intimately as you know the other person that you'd go crazy or never go anywhere again if they were to go away. They are a part of the foundation upon which your identity is built. That's the love we want... The heavy kind. The kind that is strong enough to support us and crucial enough to make us want to die if it ever disappears. It's scary as hell, but we should settle for nothing less.

You may find it online, or at a summer retreat, or randomly on a Tuesday afternoon. Something that may take seconds to unfold and end up being a complete surprise to you where you will never be the same. Those things that are not accepting of our slacking or compromise are usually those things that blindside us and force us to comply. Thank God love is lenient enough to fill our soul, brain, and heart with enough pleasure, sacrifice, and belonging that we happily obey its grip on us.

Because we want it. We want someone to come home to, to share return address labels with, and to look at while dinner is warming and ask, am I crazy? an no matter what they say you'll be content, blissfully content, with the answer because whether you're nuts or not they're there.

With you

In the stuff.

Chase down the thing you're looking for and when you find it go on a great adventure together knowing that its not whether your paths meet up or have similarities but the fact you will be roaming together, always ending up in each others' arms. That is the kid of love your soul was made to have. Do not spend time on anything of cheap imitation. Its just not going to do.

It's amazing that when you hit a wall and get hurt from falling down god can still show you his amazing love by throwing you something that helps you breathe and stand back up.

I can hurt you. I know how to play games. I'm convincing and sometimes gets my way. Sometimes I give up and take a dive. Sometimes I Say things that people want to hear. Sometimes I say things people don't. Sometimes I get scared over things I shouldn't and sometimes I have no fear over things that I should be terrified of. Sometimes god and I scream at each other, probably just me screaming. Sometimes I miss his voice and fall off my path. Sometimes I hear him fine and still fall short. Sometimes I swing with my eyes closed and get a hit and sometimes I miss. Sometimes I care about things and sometimes I don't. I have a small ability to read people which means I can call you out. I have the ability to guess correctly which can hurt you. I'm needy and overly confident. I have outstanding gifts that god has blessed me with but I have problems with showing those off. There are plenty of things that can hurt you. There are plenty if things that can lead you astray. But what governs my life is god through my heart. And wouldn't you know it. My heart is yours. There are things that you are going to have to trust and I will do my best to prove to you along the way. But I promise that way will be to serve god and to love you... u

I feel a peace when we are together and so far from peace when we are not... Is that an answer or just a desire?