I wonder if when I get to the shiny gates and stand before God waiting to be judged if when he sets fire to the things that I have done in my life will he look at the things left standing with a smile or some type of stamp of approval and whisper a life well lived…. Or will he look at me with a surprisingly somber face and ask me instead “did you live?” I don’t want to slide softly into my grave with my body perfectly preserved and everything neatly in its place. But rather come skidding in sideways body tattered and completely spent with a smile on my face and drink in my hand telling God what a heck of a ride he made just for me…

I don’t understand sometimes where I should be. I feel as if I am on a rollercoaster that never really ends... I have my moments where nothing comes out of my heart but sheer panic and screams. Other times I feel as happy as rain as if nothing could go wrong. And of course there are those moments that you get to the top of the ride just before the obvious big fall that everything is so peaceful and beautiful that you would not dare change a thing in the world. Here I sit at the top of the coaster for the time being. I know that there is an obvious drop on the horizon but I am not quite afraid of it. There are plenty of things in my life that I have to change, that I have to see through and accomplish but for right now could I not just sit here, take a breath and just enjoy everything that my young eyes can see. There is nothing better than the breath you take before something takes it from you... Here I sit, not wanting to make a change for the world because here my world sits, right beside me.

Her nor I will be the death of us... I have always believed that to be able to fall in love and actually stay in the falling position you should be able to grow with one another. But if you are not able to really lean on the other person, if you are not able to really hold onto the other person you are really missing out and sad to say I am afraid that in time missing out will be the chorus that we shall be playing...

A strange feeling indeed. I stand here not knowing what to do next... Feelings of the past have surrounded my dreams not allowing me to feel for the future. I do not know why the mirror cries out in the middle of my dreams, why it screams hoping to get my attention for some odd reason of which I do not know. The last time that I tried to understand what what the mirror was trying to whisper my heart was in pieces which is the reason why i stay here laying in my safety covered with the sheets and blankets which make up my amour. Oh God why are we so distant. Why have we given up on one another for just a brief while. We have lost so much ground that I do not even know where to start. This feeling inside of me is as conflicting as it once was in my darkest dreams. Could I just be scaring myself into fear because happiness has finally come... Could I just be so happy and content that life will show me different... Could I just be so satisfied that my dreams wants to give me worries... Oh to fight an enemy is always a hardship but to fight an enemy alone is such a frighting battle.

I love

I love that I don’t have anything that I absolutely MUST write about... I love that when my fingers hit the key board my mind isn’t trying its hardest to make my fingers type what my heart is screaming... I love that my fights are about me and a closer relationship instead of fights about being lost and alone... I love that my mind and my heart agree that I am where I need to be although staying here is not in the cards. I love that I am starting to love again and that a smile that has suddenly taken residence on my face is such a familiar feeling... I love that she is standing beside me even though there are things that could destroy us, even though there are things that loom on the horizon that could in fact break us... I love that the thought of a darken future not only scares us but scares us into each others arms... If you think for one second that you can show me the harms that could come, if you could show me that there is an obstacle in my path down the road, if you think that for one second that opening my eyes to something that I have already seen could really detour me from following what my heart is like a small child pointing at and saying "OH OH OH" jumping up and down with a smile on his face than you are out of your mind because I can see the smile on my face even when the thought of a tear comes close to my heart and I would not trade that happiness for that second for a life time of sadness... If you think you could than I am right here willing to try to prove you wrong....

Learn to walk

So there are a few words that are constantly coming to mind.. My heart and my head at the same time are telling me that I should stop and hold back but for some reason this little thing in my throat is wanting to just scream.... I don’t know if it is because I have not been in this seat in so long that the thought just feels so good or if it’s a true blue feeling. I am afraid of something and I don’t know what... More than likely I am afraid because there is nothing else to feel other than freedom... Freedom of the heart is so far from a natural feeling that your mind runs from the thought, which is where I am in so many different paths of my life. Although I have finally graduated and am moving on with my life, got a job fresh out of the gate, and have an amazing girl by my side I still stand here waiting to really show God what I can do. I just wish I had the guts to really stand up and start moving... I hope I can find that grit that I had so long ago to stand up to the shadows soon, I don’t want to loose my place of where I am right now... I like the path, I just don’t like the pace... Learn to walk I guess...

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. Those who cannot feel the emotion think the action is overdone... Those who cannot feel the warmth of the touch think the feeling is just too strong..