It's those oh crap moments. Those times when you don't know whether to go left or right, up or down, fight or throw your hands up. I think when we have screwed up the same thing over and over we get used to what to do. We know the prayers to pray or the people to talk to to get back on track. It's those tiny little changes. The differences that make you scratch your head and wonder oh my god how am I getting out of here... Well Jesus you got me right. Because I sure as heck don't. wo

Trust me. More than anything I don't want to do this. But I promise it will be for good. I trust that god is in this. Even though I didn't see it till someone connected the dots. But I believe this is what needs to be done. And I trust that god has something (maybe something unexpected) at the end. But what I do know is we will hear gods voice. Stay strong and go after him. 20 seconds of insane courage here I come.

I think the best thing about stories are the happy endings. Its always good to see the main characters in a great story find happiness at the end. It always seems that the author needs the characters to go through tough times and the better the ending the tougher the time they had to conquer. The problem is those great endings are so great to read but I am sure those characters are breathing deep from the crap that they just came through. Stories become beautiful only from the imperfections that you read. Beauty is never scar-less, beauty is never perfectly clean. Beauty comes from work, comes from effort. So those beautiful endings are usually only as beautiful as the effort that was put into them. The question is what ending are you putting your effort towards. And probably the harder side is, did you pick the ending that goes well with your story. None of these are answers that can actually be answered but questioned of course.

When you melt my heart I cant look at the phone or at you. My head leans back or my eyes run to the edges of my vision. My heart feels like its dancing in my chest and a tight feeling where it should be. The only thing I can think of to do is to sigh. Breath goes in deep and slow and as it releases a smile sneaks on my face. My eyes close and my heart flutters sinking into its position like a child with a warm blanket.

Oh I hate it when I need to go to my blog so early in the morning. It was a rough morning already, and in all reality nothing really special happened, I just happened to wake up thinking about what I am always thinking about, and lately that subject has been rough. Life will always have its ups and downs, and I cant for the life of me figure out why it is so surprising when the downs are actually downs. For some random reason I expect them to be maybe a minor dip instead of a fall... I was talking to Jesus the other night and the conversation went along the lines of asking him why we go all in with certain situations. Why we risk our hearts in relationships. I literally sat a the feet of my savior and asked him point blank with a perplexed look on my face why do we invest ourselves in our lives... I think if he were to be anyone else I would have gotten a smack across the face. But being the awesome savior that he is he just laughed softly and replied that even though it feels like we are all in, even though it feels like a dead end road, he never planned for any of those moments to be an ending note. He only planned for it to be another section of the path. It comforts me that he can see ahead of me... But it will always be nerve racking to drive blind folded. Maybe today will get better, maybe it wont... The factor that it will depend on will be me... And I would love for it to get better...

I am discouraged today... Its no life altering moment nor is it a death sentence but it is a slight hardship...

I was sitting minding my own business, wanting to take the world on my own. I was fine with the idea that someday I would find someone to settle down with but until that moment came I would be fine none the less. But then I heard a beautiful song come on followed by a beautiful girl walking into my life. What else could I do other than ask for a dance? In my surprise and probably more so fear she said yes. I probably stuttered because in all reality I didn't expect her to agree but never the less I put on a strong face, gripped the small of her back and brought her in close. I followed the rhythm and danced the dance that I knew. I was surprised at how much she was enjoying herself; I was surprised that she was trying to take the lead as well. The beginning of the song was just like every new song beautiful and romantic. It had its great moments of frisky movements and strong passion which played to your hope that the song would never end. The middle was a little bit tougher, with particular dips and precision twists. You had to be passionate about the dance to even want to go forward but through it all somehow we did. The frustrating part is we had one fall. I think without that the dance would have been flawless, which isn't saying a lot because it seemed flawless to myself and probably everyone else. And then came the end. Everyone was waiting for a big finish, some grand emotion that allowed you to tie in all of these spent and floating feelings that were surrounding us. I myself was very excited to see if we could actually pull this thing off. Dip, turn, hold, strong shoulders, good form and then the music stopped. Our eyes couldn't seem to rip away from each other even over the frivolous applause that engulfed the room. You heard nothing less than an ovation and an encore to go further. We had just danced our hearts out and left every drop of emotion on the table. But I think the funny part of that entire night was we were terrified to do something new. A new melody had just started and we seemed faint or distant. Maybe we were fearful that we could never be as good as we were, maybe we were worried that it was just a fluke that we had just danced with our hearts. But maybe, and I am still trying to figure this out... Maybe we are sitting here with courage at the door wishing we could walk out on that dance floor again.