Would you rather sigh or sob… Would you rather run or hide… Would you rather loose or abstain… Would you rather trust or be safe… Would you rather be found or be searched for… would you rather have moments or fantasies?

We are taught as young adults or even as adults to let the failures of yesterday pass. We hear whispers that life is finite and you should never live on failures because you are going to make them. We hear poems and quotes, sweet little messages and riddles telling us how amazing life is through the success and even through the failures. A road less traveled or a mainstream highway does not depict where you will end up but only how you will end up there. But before those moments when we are pushed to be inspired, where we are told about moments that should make us stand up in front of our transgressions and our lifelong obstacles. Before when we were adolescence trying to form the habits that we would carry over into our adult lives we were pushed never to fail. Never to miss a class or a lecture fearing that the world would look down on us due to the fact we did not pass with flying colors. We were pushed to meet a time line, a deadline to become an adult. We were pushed and prodded to take the path that seemed so steady, beaten down by the many travelers before us. We were as children pushed and pushed to walk through the molding of a citizen and when we emerged the same as everyone else we were teased with the idea of individualism. We were fed the temptations of being creative. And here we stand at the corner of our young lives trying to decide whether we should listen to the god given whispers of creativity that come spewing out of our hearts or should we keep walking the pace that we had made habitual not that long ago. Here we stand trying to hear what the mentors in our lives are telling us or trying to remember what they had told us.

God sends you the people in your life, not so you can feel complete or accomplished but so you can have a little help in the path he calls you to walk. Your wife, your husband is there merely to help you, strengthen you, grab your hand while you walk the path you were called to walk for God. Jesus stands beside and you and whispers gently that you will never go without a smile on your face. He hears what your heart really cries for. He knows what your soul really needs, and those desires, those gifts are waiting for you as you walk your journey.

I think that in every moment that you say I love you to the one you truly love you always try to find some way to beat it with the next try. I know that my brief poetic mind lives for the moment that I can say those three little words differently with a little twist that makes them as big as the moon and as hot as the sun. I would always like to find that the words that I let drip with loves fragrance could stop the others heart in the middle of one of the strongest beats they could have ever experience. But sometimes its not the size of the words or how poetic you decide to make them. You might find the most hopelessly romantic way in the perfectly romantic moment to utter those words but sometimes those words could never beat the emotion that a simple look can bring.

In the past couple of months I have gone through this grand new reexamination of my life with God. I am not going to lie in saying that during this time I have found myself peaceful at where I was with it all but I am not going to stand up and scream that I was at the end of my rope either... Even though I may have felt that I was. For quite a while during this process I was terrified that all of my romantic ideals and all of my hopeless lovey believes were so far from the truth that I had missed the mark on so many levels. I was quite afraid that what I believed in about love was a fantasy or at the very least misplaced. I am starting to believe that I was wrong in all accounts. I will submit to the fact that yes God does come first, or at least should. That when your heart is bleeding for something or being given to someone God better have had come first in this process. It has been and will forever be insanity to think that you can give away something that doesn't even belong to you such as your heart... And give it away before you give it to the person who loves you the most. I strongly believe that through thick and thin God had always been there for me even if I wasn't mature enough or strong enough to either acknowledge that fact or give credit where credit was due. I also strongly believe that God made me, made my heart and he spent precious time doing it so I know that deep down but maybe even closer than I suspect there is a heart and a person who was meant to be a part of this world. And I still strongly believe that the way my heart loves, longs for love, or even looks at love isn't a mistake made by a cruel world... but more so a father who knew that the world needed more of such a thing. So here I stand purged of all the frightened thoughts that I could have that the way my heart beats and loves is off center... All of the scary dreams that my one true love will make my life even closer to what it should be and that be a wrong fantasy. Here I stand believing that somehow for whatever reason God had decided to give me a heart that longed for romance, that longed for love with the believe that maybe even for a small seconded he wanted me to feel towards him and others just a minuet amount of what he feels towards me. So, like I said... Here I stand believing that not only should I love, but love with no holding back...

I always seem to grab a childs mentality on life when dealing with a problem. I sit down and say to myself that if I could just do this or just get that everything would fall into place and be right again. I always see myself climbing a mountain as the metaphoric duty in my head but in the mountain that I am climbing it always seems to only have one tough spot, one spot that is just brutally hard and if you can get through that its beautiful sailing from there on in. This is why I am always shocked at the fact that when I start my climb and get through the rough parts I pick my head up and start a light jog in victory only to find myself running into another wall. Shocked that life had done this too me or that God would dare allow two trouble spots in my life. Such a travesty should never be allowed on my mental mountain challenge. But thats just it, you never seem to only have only one hard spot, only one tough time and for me to assume that once that tough time had been accomplished is a light hearted fools thought. One of which the devil would be oh to eager to take charge with. I need to position myself for a tough climb from bottom to top and not only be prepared for that climb I also need to be able to redirect and make myself ready for the next. There are plenty of peaks to go around, and if I get stuck on the first one how will I ever get to where I need to go... Stay the course and stay calm... I love the British war propaganda that simply says keep calm and carry on. A good reminder to just bounce off the bad moments and keep going forward knowing that once you leave one behind there is a good chance around the corner another awaits. Stay strong because although the devil maybe be trying to trick you at every turn Jesus is the one with the map and hes right beside me...

God.... I need you right now... I need you here so I can wrap my arms around you and just sob for a second or two. I just want to hear your voice, feel your touch as you grip me tight and hold me close. I want to speak with no clear understanding of what I am saying due to the fact that my eyes are pouring onto your shoulders. I want to feel your hands sliding up and down my back trying to comfort me whispering whatever it is that you want to whisper. I want to be able to cry without the fear of someone looking and judging me for why i'm crying or that i'm crying. I want to release these emotions on your chest and let them go. I want to trust you and beg for your love knowing that I already have it but showing you that I cherish it so. God, I want to be OK... I have never wanted to be perfect or even close, I have always wanted to be pointed in the right direction with your hand on my shoulder. God... I need you hear right now... I need your arms around me whispering that its going to be OK... I am not trusting you right now and i'm trying so desperately... Come tonight and wrap your arms around me quick because the devil has been knocking at the door and I dont want him in here anymore...