I just wish it was enough.

Sometimes I wonder just how special it is to chase and hold steadfast for the things you want. Especially things of the heart. For the ones that you love anything is worth it. 

Ladies. Just a bit of information that I am sure you would say you already know. But I must remind you. Don't ever sell short the meaningfulness of telling your guy you want him there. Not just if he wants or it's ok with you but because you want him there. I'm sure in our heads we think what an insignificant thing to focus on but oh so much do we love hearing it ourselves. Anyways just a reminder. Sometimes it's a small thing that means the world.

But hey... I am pushed to tell you to cheer up. We cannot let one thing ruin our smile. Our smile is the one thing that we have that brightens the world. If we lose that, the world loses. Although we deserve to be sad sometimes, we cannot choose that path to walk... We must find something to be happy about. If we don't, we lose the battle for us... and for everyone around us!

We are all searching for something beautiful. That something may not be a beauty that is given but a beauty that is shared. Finding the beautiful although difficult can be found. Sharing something beautiful on the other hand takes great strength and similar trust. We should be so lucky as to find that moment.

Sometimes you miss someone and you want to tell the world. But you cant because the world shouldn't hear it. And then you get frustrated because you have this feeling that is so beyond you that it literally hurts your chest to hold it in and you can't even share it. What's the point of being so connected in the world with social media and you can't even share your true thoughts. Mainly because its dangerous to your health. Because that burst of emotion just might leave you out on a limb alone.

Could we be more disappointing... That a generation who is so consumed with making our own light. Having our own light be different on every level. Being creative and refreshing. Wanting more than anything to stand up and be something worth being. Not being afraid to stand out but wanting to do so. But yet our relationship with God comes as a carbon copy to those we see around us. We speak to him like we do not know him, as if he is a telephone operator that connects us to where we should be. Could we be a bigger walking ironic cliche.

I wonder if deep down inside we are more terrified than ever to actually receive everything we want... Not the actual wanting that scares us but the winning and the taking. Everything that we have ever wanted sits right in front of us and it scares so bad that we avoid it, we think its to good to be true and we step away or try to correct it on our own... Not a complete thought mind you but there is something there

As Christians we get so wrapped up in the rules of things that we forget the first few steps. When someone new comes around and they first decide to believe in God we are so ready to explain to them the rules and the consequences of what God is and what our faith represents. We get so tangled up in what we have to do that we forget what our relationship between us and our Father really is. When I first started believing it took someone three years to tell me about the love between Jesus and me. People were so excited about telling me the rules and what I needed to do to step up and be a real Christian that no one told me why I should believe. Sure they told me that if didn’t I would end up in hell or if I didn’t the people that I was supposed to tell about God would go untold but no one told me the first two steps. The steps that really hold you when life gets so rough. First you are going to fail… Over and over again. The bible tells us very clearly that we are sinners and we are going to screw up. The idea of becoming a Christian isn’t accepting that you are perfect… Its accepting that you aren’t and that you need Him. The second step is knowing why you should believe. And that is because you are loved. No one anywhere loves you more than your creator more than Jesus who died for you. That person who is mad about… Crazy about you… Madly in love with who you are… took the precious time to create every little detail of who you are and what makes you tick. He gave you details that only you can appreciate. He gave you moments to appreciate in the moments he knew that you would need. How something strikes you whether it’s a song or a full moon or sunset, and it hits you right when you need it to. He designed that for you. Not for everyone but for you personally. In the end those moments when the world is kicking the crap out of you, you aren’t going to be able to hold because of fear of going to hell but because of the understanding and the beauty of the fact that you’re holding on to the one who loves… Who loves you with no end, who loves you like no one else. Don’t forget the two main steps to your relationships… Sometimes we suck, sometimes we aren’t perfect and we screw up… But we get up and keep going because He loves us for who we are and he wants the best for us. Once we get those two things down pat we can keep going because even though those steps are important they are just the first two. 

Listening to Francis Chan this morning and he was speaking about Hell and everyone putting their opinion out there about it... I'm thinking in a response to Rob Bell's video on Hell. Watching this Chan said something that I had NEVER thought about that way before. His premise in the video was we tend to say that I don't believe that God would do that because it doesn't match what we think of him.. of maybe what we would do. The bible says God tells us our thoughts are not his thoughts. His thoughts are above our thoughts. And us understanding what he is doing or why he was doing it maybe sometimes beyond our ability to understand. And then he mentioned the Devil, and the Devil being thrown into the pit of fire to live their eternally is something that probably EVERY christian has heard. But have you ever thought about the pain it caused God to do such a thing. The Devil was his creation... He took the time to create him just as much as he too the time to create me. and he had to throw him into a fiery pit forever. I have never thought of it from that side before. What a hurt it must have been for God... What a tragedy it must have been.

Even through these rough times.... Even through the moments that seem darker than most. The pain in my chest or the churning in my stomach. I want to say thank you Jesus... Through all of this I know there are many lessons that you blessed me with. And I am sure later down the road I will see all of them clearer than ever. But one right now that I believe was the best is you taught me how to be sold again. Since the last time I have been running through friends and relationships at a safe distance. I would be there enough to show my emotion but never to give it. These past two years have been amazing and I have chosen to be sold over something that I was secretly fearful of doing. You showed me a glimpse of that again and I am so excited for you to really open my eyes. You are an amazing savior...

Its funny how conversations go when hearts change. The sweet I love you's or the kinda hearted efforts of trying to say that special thing to make them smile. Thinking of them constantly and wanting to tell them every random detail that crawls through your mind. And then suddenly moving to hows the weather, or some other insignificant mask to hide what words are dripping from your heart. My mind pictures words on paper that are your basic conversation starters or enders. Its been a while's or how are you doing's... And then those letters dripping down the paper with what is really there. I miss you's and I love you's... and of course there is usually one person who really feels those masked words and the other is actually moving along... maybe not easily but moving none the less. but the masks are still there... Everything changes.

A very huge observation.... Not something that i was unaware of but still sometimes seeing what you know actually happen is pretty huge... I was going through a real tough time the other night and I decided that I would walk with my bible until he gave me an answer. That thought was influenced by a recent revival and it felt like it was confirmed by Jesus. So I started walking. Of course my mind ran around the lake I was walking around far more times than I did but Jesus still heard my pleas. The astounding observation was how quick the enemy chimed in. I am guessing what I needed to hear (which sadly I didn't) was pretty big based on just how fast the devil tried to jump on board. Funny thing is the seriousness of that just popped into my head I was writing this... But back to it! Lets not let the first voice always be the one we listen to. I know when we get into a corner and everything seems frustrating and fuzzy we want it to be cleared up right then. But grabbing the first helping hand isn't always the way to go. We should be comforted in that dark hole, of course wanting to get out, but knowing that we are not alone. We are waiting on the perfect person to come bring us out. And he just may be waiting on to want him specifically.

Its truly funny how settled we become. How tunnel vision can set in. I just watched a video on YouTube about prayer and how you should check yourself in how you pray. The idea is that we can get in a rut of praying the same way or for the same things and after a while we seem to be focused on the routine of the prayer rather than who we are praying to. It made me think of how I pray and how I talk about prayer. I was proud of myself for a little bit in the fact that I have always said I try to pray like God was standing right in front of me. As if we were old friends and just catching up. Although it doesn't always happen that way. But I was thinking about an earlier focus on trying to give Jesus the good things rather than just the bad and it dawned on me. In hard times who do I turn to... Jesus. In dark storms and high waves who do I run to... Jesus. When life seems to be kicking me in the face who do I run to... Jesus. But when life is going good who do I leave out... Jesus. Sometimes it gets to a point where when nothing is going wrong you have nothing to report. He is my support system, my grace, my leader and my safety but no where in those characteristics does it talk about someone who sits back and enjoys life with you. So maybe that became a routine for me. Praying in times of difficulty rather than all the time. Asking for God's attention when you were hurting rather than all day. My thought this morning was of disappoint because when I woke up my first thought wasn't to call on my best friend and the lover of my heart. My first thought was of sadness because of things that I cannot control. What silly games we play, blocking out those who mean the most when we need them the most. Don't let sadness or worry take away from your sharing with God. Don't let yourself take away the brilliance and happiness of your day from Jesus. Share the smiles and the tears at every point. Not only because you need him at every step but because he wants you at every step.

What are the things that we look for the most in the things we do... When you are looking for a new home what is one thing you look for in the location... Security? When we are looking for a new job what is one thing that you look for in the company... Security? When we look for a bank to put our life savings in what is one thing that you look for in the bank of your choice... Security? When we go to a new church, an emotional transfer, what is one thing that we look for... Security? When we make new friends or find someone to love what is one thing we hope for... Security? It doesn't matter why you need the security or for what but in all of these situations security protects you from the harm of the world. Your family's safety, job security, keeping your money safe, your faith and emotions are kept sacred and secure, keeping your heart safe and your worries at bay? As I fall I hope and trust that my heart is in good hands. I hope and trust that my emotions, my mind are in good hands. You are an investment, a vault, and a shelter for my heart and all I dream for is to feel safe and secure with you.

And being safe doesn't only mean not getting physically hurt... Not getting outed or spreading my secrets to the world... But that you will be here in the morning. That when I hand you over my most valuable asset it will be safeguarded and held with the utmost care.

How I met your mother... A great T.V. show... It's mostly a comedy but every now and then it will shock you with some in depth, heartfelt moment that makes you sigh and smile or feel like you just got hit by a truck. I think those type of shows always make you feel that way because it is such an unexpected shocker when they hit you with an emotional hammer. This particular episode says "Being a couple is hard. Committing and making sacrifices is hard. But if its the right person its easy. Looking at that girl and knowing that she is the only thing you ever really wanted out of life should be the easiest thing in the world. And if it's not like that, then she's not the one." At first glance my mind says that all of those things are hard but when your with the right person they are actually pretty easy. But after thinking about it for a little bit I don't think that thought is right at all. Being in a relationship or being a couple is difficult and having to give things up, compromise and making sacrifices is hard and it will always be hard. But if you are doing it for the person, the person that means the world to you making the decision to go through those difficulties is the easiest decision to make. Life is tough but we push through... Jobs are annoying but we keep going. Loving someone... Loving someone is hard but when its the right person you would make that leap time and time again never knowing if your going to be caught or able to catch yourself. When we love, when we really love, we love with courage. We love with an intense drive and an overflowing passion. And if we don't, if we are missing those moments... We are missing everything.

I will not be afraid. When the wind howls and the lighting crashes I will not be afraid. When the storms darken and the waves grow I will not be afraid. When the lights fade and the sun sets I will not be afraid. When hearts break and shadows creep I will not be afraid. When the dark screams and its blackness intensifies I will not be afraid. For my shelter protects me. I have peace because God is present in the storm. He claims it with a spoken word. Be still and know that he is God. Be strong and courageous for the Lord is with me. God is my strength and I am protected at all times, triumph or fear. No matter how dim the lights or how dark the nights. No matter how strong the storms or how high the waves I am protected. Be still and know that he is God does not ring out because you should know that is his name. That call does not merely say that we are safe. It means that our Father who can not be defeated is here. That we should not fear even in the most fearful of places because darkness cannot find him as he is our true light. I will shake... I will tremble... my voice will quiver but I will say He is God... He is my strength... And I am protected... And I am Loved...

Do we love expecting love in return. Do we express love to have it expressed back or do we express love because we love with a courage only described in fairytales and love stories. Do we love courageously or do we love fearing that we are not going to be loved back.

We whisper to God to remind us that we are worth something. That we are loved. We whisper to Jesus to wrap his arms around us and remind us that we are his and he has chosen us. But no matter how tight the grip or loving the response from either we will never feel the warmth of that safety if we do not accept what we ask for. I must believe that I am more important than I think. I must believe that I am mo loved than what I feel. If I don't believe then asking for the reminder seems like a waste of precious time.

I think your heart knows what you need even before you have a tingling thought. I sit here today wanting to listen and watch every sad thing I could possibly recall from my memory. Every tv show or movie moment that could have been meaningful and sentimental that I have seen. I think our hearts know when we need a laugh, know when we need to cry, know when we need a hug and we unconsciously seek it out. A way for our minds to just shut off for a moment and let our hearts deal with what is going on inside us. Just a moment where the world can stop spinning and running at full speed and we can relax and enjoy whatever it is that the world deems fit to fall in our laps.

This may be harsh... But I just watched two videos on YouTube. One saying the differences in Jesus and the Church by a Christian (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY&feature=player_embedded), and the other knocking some believes of Christians by a Muslim (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNGqrzkFp_4&feature=related)


Although I did get a little feisty with the second video I will admit that he did bring up some, I say SOME good points. One being what you believe but more importantly why do you believe. 


I think the hardest thing for a Christian will always be defending God with "sounds good" logic. But only because we try to defend with countered "Christian Logic" as if we were solving a math problem. We completely forget to reference our heart, our experience, our relationship thinking that we could have been wrong this whole time. I don't know, maybe we didn't actually love him all this time. 


The thing I walked away from (among other arguments which I will not rant and rave here) is this question: If God's followers were like an army, like we know today, would I be a volunteer or would be a draftee. Would I have chosen to follow this idea, this path. Or would I have been chosen by others to follow it. Do you believe what you believe because you believe, or because you were brought up to believe and those around you do. 


Food for thought. 

Witnessing

I was talking to a dear friend of mine the other day and we were discussing witnessing. Now I had gone to a different church one weekend and heard a pastor preach on witnessing. It was a very compelling message and probably more in your face and call to action than most pastors would do. Once it was over you were left with a sense of purpose with that message, as if you need to bring this to someone else to share what you had just heard. I am sure everyone sitting there in the soft piano background music who were left to think for themselves how they had not been witnessing to their capabilities were on the right track. As for me, of course, I was thinking down a different trail.

My thoughts were not of how much of a failure I was being as a true witness, or even how much anyone else around me was missing the mark as well (gotta compare to others you know). But more so why we don't witness that often. Why we have a particular fear or struggle to do the thing that is most important and probably the easiest. I mean lets be honest, we get a new car, a new phone, a new anything that we put significant value to and we share it like crazy. It is on our Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Myspace, and every other possible social media site. It is on our face when we talk about it, smiles and excitement, and we are eager to tell every detail that we know. But when it comes to Jesus or our relationship with him, even if it is a strong close relationship we tend to stray away from the excitement of it.

But the question is not that we don't do it, or how often, or if we are a bad person or Christian because of it, but the real question is why do we become timid. 2 Timothy says that we were created with the spirit of power and love, so why when we are simply expressing what we have felt, what we know to be true do we suddenly become timid? I think the answer is how we walk in our faith with Jesus.

On the day that I became a Christian, the day that I found Jesus and decided to walk with him I had to make two points very clear to myself. One, I love and am loved... My purpose is not decided by this world but by Jesus. And two I am not perfect. I am a sinner. By becoming a Christian I am not accepting and trusting my perfection but his. but lets come back to that in a second. As a Christian sometimes it is hard to keep the faith that you are good and striving for better. You are striving to see God's image when you look in the mirror knowing of course that we will always fall short. And our most vulnerable time is when that fall occurs. And for me at least that fall occurs on a daily basis (which sucks). And at that time the enemy likes to pick at things he knows we are going to be a little more accessible with. Like a friend or someone you look up to or a more mature christian noticing the fall or being a little more critical on your walk or your stumbles. And although it is good to have checks and balances in your life it hurts to hear that stuff. So you lose a little confidence in yourself at that moment and then all of a sudden BOOM you have thoughts running around your head like someone just set off fireworks. Thinking of how many times you have fallen, how many times you have tripped, how many times you have completely failed and the enemy just keeps picking and picking. On the inside its a hurricane, hours and hours of relentless battering against your spirit. But on the outside the normal day to day is still happening. Now comes the time to witness. Sometimes witnessing happens without you even knowing. Sometimes who you are and how you live beams out of you and hits someone right in the heart giving them hope and courage to go forward because what is shining from you is Jesus. And when they ask you just how the heck are you so happy, how the heck are you so strong. You simply smile and reply with your story, with what you know to be true. Now that all happens in a perfect world under a perfect scenario.

But lets flash to what probably really happens.

You just fell short (Romans 3:23). your mind is racing with how horrible you are or how undeserving you are of Gods grace. You sigh and feel like you could cry for hours. You feel ultimately unworthy. Someone comes to you with a question about God, or a fear about life, or just to say hello and the first thing that comes out of your heart is not the excitement about the thing you find most valuable but about the weather or just random chit chat. You glaze over the topic because you don't feel  worthy of being the one to talk about it. You feel as if you can't get it right so how could you help someone else. Matthew 7:5 tells us to take the plank out of our own eye before we can remove the speck from our brothers, but in reality we become so fixated on the plank in our own that we never move on. We become some worried that there is a plank in our eye we forget to move it to help our brother. And when we are consumed with our transgressions, when we are focused on our falls we can't, we wont witness nor be able to teach those following us how to witness and to teach those following them.

Isaiah 43:10 - You are my witnesses, declares the Lord, and my servant whom i have chosen, that you may known and believe me and understand that I am he. - 1 Peter 3:15 - But in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the HOPE that is in you. - Do not lose that hope and be ready to share it. For God has chosen us, he believes in us. And if he believes in us, we should start standing up for that and doing the same.

The things that excited my heart in the past have become nothing but a bore. The things that I have learned to enjoy and feel delight have dimmed and faded away. Although the foundation of that smile still remains, I must quiver back into its arms to recall just where I am. And maybe, just maybe, when He has whispered that everything is ok he will remind me of that smile that once was.

For being such a hopeful bunch we sure tend to be awfully cynical. We dare to dream, and strive to hope but only in the moments when its easier to talk about and dream about. The future awaits with dreams and hopes that we dare not speak of because that is the beauty of life, we tend to think. But when those things come a bit closer and hope is the only thing that you can see we shiver and stray away from what thing we so strongly spoke about not that long ago. Hope is what guides us, whether you call it fate, faith, or some other clever word, hope is what we cling to in moments where the end cannot be seen. It is a strong emotion, our greatest strength and greatest weakness. I simply Hope that when the time comes I can continue holding especially when all seems lost.

A series of small steps... Big plans and big decisions are carried out by a series of small steps. Crucial to all of these small steps is the first one. We set goals and destinations in our heads and in our hearts, most of the time based on what we feel is on our path given to us by God and sometimes maybe it is just a little bit about ourselves. But there we are. And after making these decisions, after making these desires public to our minds we set some kind of checkpoint system to check up on our progress.. Sitting in your car alone, sitting at your desk by yourself, being in a group of friends, where ever it may be we settle down and ask ourselves where we are in the process. And most of the time we set unrealistic points... We expect to go from 0 to 60, and then cruse on over to 100 in no time flat. We expect to be running faster than ever before because we feel so driven. We expect to be done with it all as soon as we start because face it, we rock. But then we hit a low. And the funny thing is, most of the time the low is not because of the path or the thing that we are trying so hard to get, but because of the pace we are going. We hit a low, we slow down and become discouraged because of how fast we want it. Not because we are failing, not because we are missing the mark, but because it is coming a little slower than what our 90 to nothing mind and heart wants it to come. There are many steps between big decisions and big results so stand strong and hold on. Don't be disappointed with slow progress. Don't be overwhelmed with the destination... Stand firm. Because ultimately the timing and time frame is not in our hands... it is perfect without our touch.

Jesus could have stomped on the devil in the desert. He could have slapped him down as he was being tested. Why did he use scripture. To show us what to do when we are tested? To give us the blueprints of not how our savior defeats the devil but how we will be able to? He's a pretty smart guy, in ways that we could never see. Ans never understand.

I should run. Right to your arms. In moments of fear and darkness. I should turn and run to you. I should run to you like a little boy runs to his father. Because in your arms I am safe. In your arms my scars can heal. Please hold me. Even though I fell after going where I should not. Please hold me.

What means something to you may not mean something to him or her. don't get discouraged. You mean something to them.

What I want... Is to hold you again without worrying of its right or wrong, forward or timid,aggressive or submissive. I just want to hold you again and just think how much I love you and that I never want to let go.

Sometimes I don't know if it is s good or bad thing when people read your thoughts and not only don't comment. But don't even acknowledge them. It might just be a journaling kinda night. Need to remember that I'm in it for him and he's got my back.

Do the best you can. Where you are.
How can you help maximize someone's god given potential.
For the people who know me the best should respect me the most.

Courage is the absence of fear. Goodness isn't the absence of badness.

As your father. If god is not disciplining you you may not be his..

There is a difference in love and unconditional love...

One person can easily be replaced. But the attitude of the group cannot easily be changed. Be secure in your place and know that your body can be replaced amongst the crowd but what you bring that god gave you to bring cannot. Know your worth with your life and god. And then trust it.

The question is do we run away from pain or do we endure till the pain is gone. Do we give up or persevere? Do we yield to the possibility of failure or accelerate to the possibility of success. I think it comes down to the path that you're on... Do you trust your path? Do you have faith in your path? and is your path worth risking for? Here I stand, about midway. Just far enough to be deep enough to hurt but shallow enough to think you can get out. That crucial crossroads that comes up and makes you remember every verse, every lesson, ever message that you have heard that could be related in the recent past. You heart swims with all the positive notes of persevere and be strong in your crossroads, in the challenges that come up. But then you slouch back down when remembering all of the messages telling you to guard your heart. All the messages that reminded you that God is your focus and you live for him, not you or anyone else. All those messages that said to be calm and trust that God will provide, that God will dazzle you in the moments you didn't think could even carry a dim shine.

Well in the end I trust my path... And the end of my path is sure worth risking for. And how do I trust this??? Because I can see her face and know that no matter what, no matter the outcome I can say that I trusted every inch of myself and what I was hearing from God... and that No Matter what God has me in his hands... And that is the comfort that I need... I am protected... Isaiah 41:10, Isaiah 44:21, 1 Corinthians 10:13, Corinthians 13:7, 1 John 4:18

I worry when I dont need to... My mind races when it should be still. My heart starts to run when it should beat soft. Take a deep breath and smile because through it all Jesus has me in his arms and he is whispering beautiful thoughts into my ear. It may not be her, it may not be now, but I know it will be something and I know you have it well under control. You have the wheel sir... and I should feel at ease with that fact...

Fear can choke. It can slide up your body like cold hands running for your neck. You allow this eerie happening at first because it is explainable to your senses. Your emotions standing in shock as this worry grips your heart. It continues to slide reaching its frigged claws around you and slowly squeezing until you feel it inside your chest as your lungs quietly stop working. Your heart starts to beat faster and your chest seems to cave in as your mind races with what ever is standing in front of you. And then all at once you cannot move. You cannot think of anything other than the creepy thing that stands in front of you. Your eyes swell with tears and your hands begin to shake. Breathing becomes an improbable task and your body becomes unresponsive.

Just like a gas tank. When a heart is running on empty it will try to run, sputtering and gasping as it tries to stay at the same pace that it is being asked to go. But as long as it rides on an empty tank it will never be able to push to its limits. And sooner or later the many times that it had been run to empty will cause it to burn out, and serious time will be spent in rebuilding it.

The enemy would have you wanting to take back brave things that you have said or done. Picking on the fear of being alone once you have been brave. Just remember once you have made that step others may not be as brave as you. Do not fear being alone. Stand tall and trust in yourself.

Should we soften our hearts and expect what we cannot promise ourselves. Should we expect beauty in moments that we cannot promise our hearts. In moments that beauty does happen perfection can occur. But on the norm, when those moments do not meet expectations... Ones heart could and will break. Even in moments and places it doesn't belong.

A heart can only be poured out so much without being poured back into before it is left empty.

We are stuck in a world where the young know everything and the elderly are old fashion and have been lost in time. We are in a world where the elderly have so much to teach, so much to show and the young are either to busy or don't have the opportunity to be taught.

Well my friend. You were right when you said it was going to be tough. When you said it was going to be difficult. I heard this story tonight when I flipped on the radio to the Christian station... A young boy read a passage in the bible saying to go after God with all of your might. And that young boy asked his pastor just what that meant... The story went on to describe someone holding you underwater and you doing everything in your power to serface and just when you do you take a breath like you had never taken before. Your fight to see God and taking in every inch of him when you see is just like that fight to serface under water. I'm still fighting to hit the surface. But I am trusting that when I do everything that you have waiting in this season of my life will be clear... I trust you even though it hurts.... I trust you

I don't want to hold you because you only feel good in my arms. I don't want to kiss you only because our lips meet so well. I don't want to hold your hand only because it fits perfectly in mine. I don't want to hear you laugh only because it warms my heart. I don't want to see you smile only because it is a beautiful sight. I want those thing because when they happen, all together or one by one, my heart is open and my walls are down. I want to hold you because I want to hold you... And all though it sounds simple. There are few to many times where holding someone is s burning desire in ones heart. And I can promise you that I am burning to have you here in my arms.

Could we possibly be so focused on the life we want, is it possible that we could be so ready for the planned out or at least semi planed out life that we think we see... That we miss the finer details that make up that life. That we miss the moment to choose the things that we need for that life. Could we be so focused on getting a house that we reject that we have a place to live. Could we be so focused on having our dream job that we reject having an income. Could we be so focused on having kids that we reject our influence in young ones around us. Could we be so focused on getting married and wanting love that we shy away from letting ourselves love someone. Could we be so focused and so ready to live that we forget to keep breathing.

I'm not going to lie... Sometimes it hurts.... Sometimes it's so frustrating you have no clue what to do or even where to go... It's like playing in a game where you cannot see the leader board, can't see who your playing against or even what you are playing for. But you have seen s glimpse of the prize and you are in such awe that you would still give every inch of yourself to win. Frustrating and painful it maybe but in the end you would risk it all for even the slightest chance.

Could we be brave enough in the end? Can we love without knowing what's ahead. Could we be strong enough to hold out our heart and love someone for who they are. Can we love and trust someone in the moment. Not to worry about who they were, or who they will be, but for who they are right then. Is it foolish to not look ahead and guess at what they would become. To not worry of Whether your paths would meet. Is it foolish to love someone for who they are as they lie in our arms. It is cliche to say that we should not judge someone by their past, but why shall we judge someone of what we expect to come for the. Will I have enough courage to love someone for who they are and what they stand for as they stand in front of me. To love them for who they are.

Oh dreams. You are cherished by so many. Sought after and chased. So many willing to close their eyes and let go of control for just a few short hours with the smallest of hope that you will somehow guide them into a better time. Tonight I wish to meet you as friends. Tonight I wish to greet you as a loved one, so passionate and excited to see one another. Tonight I wish that you would hold me in your arms and not tease me with the faint whispers of moments past.

There is something to be said. But the words can't be found. There is something to be felt. But the emotions seem to be lost. There is something to believe in but the faith has faded. There is s moment waiting to be seen, waiting to be felt and heard. But as our eyes carefully move from detail to detail in the familiar room we cannot find it. We take deep breaths feeling the hair stand on the back of our neck... We smile knowing that it is near, our hearts jump anticipating the moment when we finally set ourselves on this brilliant instance. And when the moment comes into view everything else fades, everything else simply quiets and slows and all we can do is smile in its brilliance...

Life will keep going. Tomorrow is going to come regardless of how much I freak out or worry about it... might as well get some dinner, get some sleep, and be ready for the bastard when it gets here. Sorry for cursing Jesus... But it needed to be said.

You can't give up... Heart breaking into a million pieces. So lost you don't even know where to begin. Tears streaming down your face dripping onto the pieces of grass you clinch once you fall to your knees. You look up at god with veins popping out of your neck. You desperately trying and hold the tears back and keep breathing. It hurts, it always will... You hear you deserve more but feel as if you are getting less. You try to keep your composure with the tears knocking at the door... It hurts but you can't give up. You are in this life to serve god and he needs your help. You sit there on your knees in pain as he grabs your arms and tries to pick you up... You can't give up. The world is going to throw fast ball after fast ball right past you and sometimes in your face. Your chest will cave in and breathing will become a luxury but you can't give up. You strive for the best, you pull punches and dodge harmful moments. You avoid bad areas in your life until someone breaks through and breaks you into a million pieces but you cannot give up dammit. We stand here wanting more because we deserve it. We strive for the best not because it makes us feel good. But because we deserve it. And when the moment comes where adversity strikes you down you better get your ass off the ground and keep going. Because you will not give up. If you give up and take the backseat letting life give you second best look at yourself and simply ask what you are living for. An easy route, something tht won't kill you in the end. Or something so grand that it has the absolute power to destroy you without a moments notice. Live for that because he will not break you. He will build you up and fix every little piece.

Lips are numb. Head is on fire. And heart is missing in action. The only thing that can be mustered is a grin for good looks and a deep sigh. At the end of a prolonged pain which would have hurt just as much then as it does now. The only thing to do is pick up and get back to walking this path with the hopes that one day gods going to reveal something. Someone.

It is always miraculous right after you have a clear moment in life. And the funny thing is that moment doesn't even have to be all that clear. I feel as if my life is filled with spinning around at the center of crossroads just trying to figure out where to go. And then all of a sudden the prayers and efforts that were given seem to push through and you are given just a simple direction. You may not have any idea where that direction is taking you or what is really waiting for you around the bend but you trust that it is God who is telling you to go and you do it, without hesitation. The comical thing is that no more than seconds before you would not have accepted something as vague as a simple direction. You would have dismissed and been unsatisfied with nothing less than a detailed map and an exact destination. But God, with all his wisdom waits just long enough for you to get out of the way so you can try and walk the path he has waiting for you. Be blessed in hard times. Feel loved and be patient because God tells us that just around the darken clouds, brilliance awaits. and I cant even imagine what brilliance to our creator would look like through my simple eyes.

Don't we always feel like we just have tons to say... There are so many feelings running around inside that just contradict eachother... Feelings of fear, feelings of strength, feelings of pity and feelings of admiration. Never will you be able to explain your deepest fears nor your deepest courage. That moment when you look at something and tremble, your heart not really knowing what to do other than hide or at least go to a place that will save you from where you are... That moment when your body feels like it could lift the world and solve all of the problems nothing could possibly get in your way and nothing could possibly bring you to your knees... Colors so bright and the world so alive. You feel like you were reborn and the world is something you had never experienced until right then. Love and hate. Two things that rarely come separate or at least far apart. One moment you could be floating and then the next you are nothing more than gravity's play thing. When we fall we fall.. There is no soft stumble into the night or some easily defeated boogie monster that awaits our deepest nightmares. When we fly there is no height that could stop us. The clouds are mearly our friend giving us some cushion to lay on when we get to that perfect spot to just view gods perfection. Our life is so complicated only because we strive to understand it all. Truth be told I don't think that in a million years no matter how much we could plead with god we could never understand the complexities of the simplistest thing. Why does a heart beat and why does it beat special for certain things... And for those certain things why does it beat with enough intensity to light up even the darkest of dreams. I don't know the answers to most of the worlds questions nor do I expect to ever figure them out. I am mearly along for the ride.

I had a harsh thought once in my life... There was someone that I wanted to spend time with more than anyone else that I knew... This person made me smile, made me laugh, made me generally feel like nothing could touch me. I was safe in their arms and no matter what they would be safe in mine. One day I was restless with the fact that I had not seen this person in quite a while... Now when I say I had not seen them I don't mean really because I saw them probably every night... But that was just it. During the day or in usual times there was always something to do or plans that they had... So as I grew restless I grew more angry which was about the worst thing that you could do. So I asked why. Why do I get the last minutes of your time. Why not the best. Why do I get when you are getting ready to drift off into your dreams. I looked them right in the eye and asked why don't you give me the best moments or even give me a shot at the best moments. Sadden and hurt I turned around to fund Jesus standing behind me with a disappointed look. He looks at me right in the eye and says...... ditto.

I had a random dream just now... It's always funny to me those dreams that are really spot on to what you we're thinking about... But this particular dream was just a tease of emotions... When I woke up it was worse than the worst part of the dream. But life isn't always as pretty as it should be. So I insert my favorite saying it is what it is.

Ever notice we always blame Adam and Eve. Never the devil. Always focus on the person the failed. Never the situation or the cause.

Do we hide in the things we think we are good at when we are struggling... When we are scared or hurt. Do we throw ourselves in the things that we think we handle well or at least the things we think we are excepted in when life turns a corner we were not expecting. I think that just like a small puppy would venture out and dare to take a step close to what could be dangerous, when that danger becomes more real than we anticipated or closer than we really want we run back to what we trust. To what we think is safe or at least what we think we can control. The question is what is your safe spot... and do you need to change it!

I wanna write... I want to tell you my thoughts. I want to take my heart and my brain and even my soul and just drip them on paper so you can hear, see, read every thought that I have. I would love for you to hear what my heart screams and then what my head whispers. I would love for you to be in that battle... not because its a battle but because the information is so much fun to go through. I run, I have a fast pace when it comes to the heart, when it comes to emotion and love.. I believe that I have that pace or at least that I am able to go that pace because I am not afraid of getting hurt with it. I have no delusion of that fact that I might not get hurt. Even if everything worked out so well I am still going to get hurt at some point. I am not worried about it. Question is why are you. Why are you afraid of running... Have you ever fallen before... YEP... Are yous till here... YEP.... so whats to worry about it... Scrapes and bruises... Breaks and strains. What are you worried about... Grab someones hand and jump... For jumps sake. If you dont like the water when you get in it FUN THING IS... YOU CAN GET OUT... Stop treating life like its a breakable glass artifact that if you screw up it will be done for. ITS NOT THAT WAY. LIVE... SOMEONE LIVE..... Pick something in your life to live for and go... LIVE FOR IT... but dont sit around waiting for life to invite you to its party... its not going to... Get up and dance.... DO SOMETHING...

My head and heart are bursting... Ideas and thoughts, memories and heart throbbing moments... Moments that may have been nothing, moments that may have been everything. Dreams... Hopes, my heart and my head are filled. My soul swims through the possibilities of every little argument that could be had... Every argument that probably means nothing, that are probably so over analyzed that even the smallest detail may become the largest focus. And that focus would last for just a few seconds because some other argument comes through my head and I run with that. A person, walks into my life and I chase that thought down and beat every idea, every moment out of it trying to figure out why in the world did you just show up. And then once I cant even breath because of the tail spin that I inherently walk into I try to calm myself down and look at the beauty that resides around me. I sit back and smell the beautiful roses that line the roads that are in my life. I sit back... I love it when I sit back. Those thoughts and ideas, those memories and hopes and dreams simply fall to the ground and stay put for just long enough for me to catch my breath. So that the world can slow its spin for just a moment and I can look in your eyes and watch you smile and KNOW that no matter what everything is going to be ok. I love those moments... I love the moments when everything doesnt HAVE to come together. When everything just sits there waiting for your next move and you softly realize that LIFE IS GOING NO WHERE without you. Nothing is going to leave except those particular moments. AND BE SURE that if you fall and try to grab that moment before it leaves and you dont make it.... BE SURE that another is coming right down the tube... DONT MISS IT... Be ready... and the only way that we can be ready is if we are prepared to get up and RUN... Run like you have never run before... Dont be afraid of that... Dont be afraid of falling or losing... Your going to have another turn. Its not one and done, goodnight and goodbye... its batter up and you BETTER be ready for the next go around.

Shortness of breath. Chest tight and heart jumping. Tossing and turning ad he tries to sleep. His eyes feel heavy but his lids feel as if they are spring loaded, not able to stay shut. His mind races back and forth trying to find something to put him at easy. His throat tightened and his starting to hurt. He throws his covers off trying to find something to comfort himself. He slips outside without making a sound. He grabs the ladder out of the garage carefully a quietly as he places it on the side of the house. Moving up the ladder as he reaches the roof top he softly slides up to the highest point and stands tall. His head tilted just slightly staring up at the night sky. His legs shiver as his body tenses and his neck grips tight from the muscles grtting ready for him to scream.

I miss talking. Sometimes I feel as if I have so much to ramble on about. Or at least I just want someone to listen to. My chest feels tight and my heart seems like it has been running a marathon and just hasn't stopped. I don't quite no where to go and I dont know in which direction I should be going. I know that I don't want to sit down and stop. I know that I don't want things to slow down or take a drastic change. I like the idea of relaxed, I like the idea of no drama and casual. And my heart could just stop running maybe I could actually chill for just a little while.

Abortion... I don't know why this hit but it was triggered by a political add on the radio... If you are a person you must decide when a fetus becomes a human being before having an opinion whether abortion is right or wrong. If you are a person who is a Christian you must believe that no matter the time abortion is ending the possibility of life. No questions asked. But my question is, why must we have an extreme law of yes or no... If you make it unlawful for someone to have an abortion you are taking away choice. Which God gave us. Why would you take away what God gave us. Now I don't believe abortion is right. Because you are ending a life. Now is that saying that I think it would be an easy decision, of course not... There are plenty of possible moments that would bring about a hard decision. But I don't think I believe you should take away the choice.

It seems there is no patience when you are lost. You take a wrong turn and then another. Your surroundings no longer look familiar so you grasp anything you can trying to get back from where you came. You squirm and shout scaring yourself half to death with all of the would of's and could of's and should of's in the moment you were lost. All of the possible out comes, usually leaving out any positive ones. So you scramble afraid to be lost for even one more second. And you take usually the turn that you should of past by.

I don't think trusting someone is as simple as believing that the person you trust will never hurt you or lead you astray. But more that when they do, they wont leave. They wont stop until whatever happened that wasn't favorable is fixed. That no matter what they will always love you and be there when you need them. People suck sometimes... just the nature of the beast. But the real beauty of a person only shines when things have gone dark. And darkness is not always a quick endeavor. We tend to want the pain and hard times to be the quickest moments and if their not we walk away. You can never say your strong until you know how much you can take. A body builder could never be called the strongest man or woman unless they picked up their weights. Loving someone and trusting someone is hard work. Its lonely and dangerous. You are left out in the open more times than not and most of the time the "open" isn't some beautiful safe place. But that moment when the trust pays off, when the love breaks through... the awesomeness cant be measured. A beautiful thing when we reach our limits and those we were holding on for grab us... right when we needed them to. Love, trust, faith... all beautiful things... but beauty isn't without its pain... A smile will always come after a tear... I laugh will always come after a scream. Just depends on if you want it bad or just conveniently.