She writes on her arm because she thinks she's worthless. He watches his porn because he thinks he's not good enough. She is mean and nasty because she thinks people are going to hurt her. He's promiscuous because he doesn't think he deserves love. She hides because she thinks no one wants to find her. He lies because he thinks no one wants to see who is is. She lies because she thinks no one cares. He's scared because no one has ever protected him. She's scared because no one has ever saved her.

My horoscope and superstitions have been right some times. They have been so close its creepy. But they have also been wrong more times then not. But Jesus has never been wrong. Jesus in my life has been something I can count on and something that I can trust.

You never know quite what you need.. There are moments when you feel uninspired, when you feel lost from the world and you would do anything to find your way back. You search and search for this feeling of awaken sensibility that you cant seem to find to make your day. That feeling when you walk out of a warm house and into a cool breeze outside. That moment when your lungs fill up with fresh air and you breathe in this calming temperature which allows your heart to flutter just enough to awaken the senses trapped inside you. That moment when you finally realize just what you wanted in a moment, just what you needed to smile for that brief second. You didn't figure out your life or have some world altering moment that conquered all of your troubles but for that moment, just for a moment you were at peace. Your world spun the right way and at the right speed, you were breathing normal again and your heart seemed to idle just long enough to feel the emotions surrounding you. You felt love, you feel friendship and belonging. You remembered all the little things that one should remember in a day and you cherished each memory as it passed by. You danced in lost moments gone by and you snuggled up to hopes long since forgotten. Like a warm blanket on a chilly day you wrap yourself in life. Those moments we easily forget only because life seems to beat it out of us. What a great memory... What a great moment...

Its like an itch... Something on the part of your body that you can never quite get. There are plenty of times that you get so close you feel the itch go away but somehow it still ends up itching all over again with even more intensity. Its a craving. Knowing that you want something so bad everything else seems to be just a bore when the thought crosses your mind. You feel uninspired and unchallenged due to the fact that your not where you want to be or doing what you want to do. The problem is you don't know exactly where to scratch, you don't know exactly what it is you want you just know that somethings there, somethings missing, you need something more, something else...

And then the moment comes...

A deep longing satisfaction. Like that itch we finally are about to reach, the movie we finished and sat in silence wondering what we'd do differently had the director thought to include us in the narrative too. Its like finding something you never knew you were looking for, true love. But once you have it, you wonder how you lived without it. And you know as intimately as you know the other person that you'd go crazy or never go anywhere again if they were to go away. They are a part of the foundation upon which your identity is built. That's the love we want... The heavy kind. The kind that is strong enough to support us and crucial enough to make us want to die if it ever disappears. It's scary as hell, but we should settle for nothing less.

You may find it online, or at a summer retreat, or randomly on a Tuesday afternoon. Something that may take seconds to unfold and end up being a complete surprise to you where you will never be the same. Those things that are not accepting of our slacking or compromise are usually those things that blindside us and force us to comply. Thank God love is lenient enough to fill our soul, brain, and heart with enough pleasure, sacrifice, and belonging that we happily obey its grip on us.

Because we want it. We want someone to come home to, to share return address labels with, and to look at while dinner is warming and ask, am I crazy? an no matter what they say you'll be content, blissfully content, with the answer because whether you're nuts or not they're there.

With you

In the stuff.

Chase down the thing you're looking for and when you find it go on a great adventure together knowing that its not whether your paths meet up or have similarities but the fact you will be roaming together, always ending up in each others' arms. That is the kid of love your soul was made to have. Do not spend time on anything of cheap imitation. Its just not going to do.

It's amazing that when you hit a wall and get hurt from falling down god can still show you his amazing love by throwing you something that helps you breathe and stand back up.

I can hurt you. I know how to play games. I'm convincing and sometimes gets my way. Sometimes I give up and take a dive. Sometimes I Say things that people want to hear. Sometimes I say things people don't. Sometimes I get scared over things I shouldn't and sometimes I have no fear over things that I should be terrified of. Sometimes god and I scream at each other, probably just me screaming. Sometimes I miss his voice and fall off my path. Sometimes I hear him fine and still fall short. Sometimes I swing with my eyes closed and get a hit and sometimes I miss. Sometimes I care about things and sometimes I don't. I have a small ability to read people which means I can call you out. I have the ability to guess correctly which can hurt you. I'm needy and overly confident. I have outstanding gifts that god has blessed me with but I have problems with showing those off. There are plenty of things that can hurt you. There are plenty if things that can lead you astray. But what governs my life is god through my heart. And wouldn't you know it. My heart is yours. There are things that you are going to have to trust and I will do my best to prove to you along the way. But I promise that way will be to serve god and to love you... u

I feel a peace when we are together and so far from peace when we are not... Is that an answer or just a desire?

I want to kiss her for no real reason. I want to hold her hand because my hand craves it. I want to be able to pick her up and put her in my arms because she fits so well. I want to lay beside her and feel just as safe as she does with me. I want to automatically play with her hair or slide my fingers up and down her back. I want her hand to automatically play with my neck or the tease the back of my head. I want to do one of those sigh smiles when the thought of her runs through my head but more so I want the thought following that to lift me up like a great dream. I want to be hers, to feel like I mean something to someone on a level that isn't just friendship. I want to be counted on and trusted. I want to be that person for someone that holds them, that makes them feel stronger and safer. I want the world in the shape of a heart... Is that so much to ask?

It's those oh crap moments. Those times when you don't know whether to go left or right, up or down, fight or throw your hands up. I think when we have screwed up the same thing over and over we get used to what to do. We know the prayers to pray or the people to talk to to get back on track. It's those tiny little changes. The differences that make you scratch your head and wonder oh my god how am I getting out of here... Well Jesus you got me right. Because I sure as heck don't. wo

Trust me. More than anything I don't want to do this. But I promise it will be for good. I trust that god is in this. Even though I didn't see it till someone connected the dots. But I believe this is what needs to be done. And I trust that god has something (maybe something unexpected) at the end. But what I do know is we will hear gods voice. Stay strong and go after him. 20 seconds of insane courage here I come.

I think the best thing about stories are the happy endings. Its always good to see the main characters in a great story find happiness at the end. It always seems that the author needs the characters to go through tough times and the better the ending the tougher the time they had to conquer. The problem is those great endings are so great to read but I am sure those characters are breathing deep from the crap that they just came through. Stories become beautiful only from the imperfections that you read. Beauty is never scar-less, beauty is never perfectly clean. Beauty comes from work, comes from effort. So those beautiful endings are usually only as beautiful as the effort that was put into them. The question is what ending are you putting your effort towards. And probably the harder side is, did you pick the ending that goes well with your story. None of these are answers that can actually be answered but questioned of course.

When you melt my heart I cant look at the phone or at you. My head leans back or my eyes run to the edges of my vision. My heart feels like its dancing in my chest and a tight feeling where it should be. The only thing I can think of to do is to sigh. Breath goes in deep and slow and as it releases a smile sneaks on my face. My eyes close and my heart flutters sinking into its position like a child with a warm blanket.

Oh I hate it when I need to go to my blog so early in the morning. It was a rough morning already, and in all reality nothing really special happened, I just happened to wake up thinking about what I am always thinking about, and lately that subject has been rough. Life will always have its ups and downs, and I cant for the life of me figure out why it is so surprising when the downs are actually downs. For some random reason I expect them to be maybe a minor dip instead of a fall... I was talking to Jesus the other night and the conversation went along the lines of asking him why we go all in with certain situations. Why we risk our hearts in relationships. I literally sat a the feet of my savior and asked him point blank with a perplexed look on my face why do we invest ourselves in our lives... I think if he were to be anyone else I would have gotten a smack across the face. But being the awesome savior that he is he just laughed softly and replied that even though it feels like we are all in, even though it feels like a dead end road, he never planned for any of those moments to be an ending note. He only planned for it to be another section of the path. It comforts me that he can see ahead of me... But it will always be nerve racking to drive blind folded. Maybe today will get better, maybe it wont... The factor that it will depend on will be me... And I would love for it to get better...

I am discouraged today... Its no life altering moment nor is it a death sentence but it is a slight hardship...

I was sitting minding my own business, wanting to take the world on my own. I was fine with the idea that someday I would find someone to settle down with but until that moment came I would be fine none the less. But then I heard a beautiful song come on followed by a beautiful girl walking into my life. What else could I do other than ask for a dance? In my surprise and probably more so fear she said yes. I probably stuttered because in all reality I didn't expect her to agree but never the less I put on a strong face, gripped the small of her back and brought her in close. I followed the rhythm and danced the dance that I knew. I was surprised at how much she was enjoying herself; I was surprised that she was trying to take the lead as well. The beginning of the song was just like every new song beautiful and romantic. It had its great moments of frisky movements and strong passion which played to your hope that the song would never end. The middle was a little bit tougher, with particular dips and precision twists. You had to be passionate about the dance to even want to go forward but through it all somehow we did. The frustrating part is we had one fall. I think without that the dance would have been flawless, which isn't saying a lot because it seemed flawless to myself and probably everyone else. And then came the end. Everyone was waiting for a big finish, some grand emotion that allowed you to tie in all of these spent and floating feelings that were surrounding us. I myself was very excited to see if we could actually pull this thing off. Dip, turn, hold, strong shoulders, good form and then the music stopped. Our eyes couldn't seem to rip away from each other even over the frivolous applause that engulfed the room. You heard nothing less than an ovation and an encore to go further. We had just danced our hearts out and left every drop of emotion on the table. But I think the funny part of that entire night was we were terrified to do something new. A new melody had just started and we seemed faint or distant. Maybe we were fearful that we could never be as good as we were, maybe we were worried that it was just a fluke that we had just danced with our hearts. But maybe, and I am still trying to figure this out... Maybe we are sitting here with courage at the door wishing we could walk out on that dance floor again.

Dont ever fool yourself... There is nothing that you do or go through that is bad in good times. Nothing that you are involved in or deal with are bad in good moments. Its when the moments turn bad and you still are good that counts.

I think we all secretly or openly want to be loved almost more than anything else. We tend to focus more on our close friendships then we do on the regular people in our lives and why? Because they love us or we love them? We tend to stay close to our family regardless of whether there have been problems or pains and why? Because they have loved us our entire lives and no matter what we say aloud we really do love them? We tend to fall for charismatic people in our lives and we doodle in our head the changes that would come from a long relationship or even a marriage and why? Because Disney and every other childhood influence has made us believe that the love between two people in marriage is a love that cannot be explained or given a simple value and that trust and loyalty and this amazing emotion is something we have always been looking for? Yea, I think unconsciously we will or have always been looking for love. Something that you can call your own. Something that you and someone else built and maintain. You work with sweat and tears to keep this fluid thing alive and we cherish this living thing that is amongst us. I think that is also the reason that we are so terrified of it. Terrified of losing it, hurting it, not finding it, or simply not feeling it. Your heart doesn't sink for to many situations but when the love of your life or at least the love that your heart has chosen decides to be difficult or play hide and seek that sinking feeling comes creeping in... But the other side to love and probably the more rewarding side is the trust or the faith that the moment will turn around to reveal these amazing gifts and rewards for moments that were more trying then you thought you could get through. If its love, its worth getting hurt over. If it is love its worth the wait, the risk, the frustration and any other possible emotion that could come crawling in your love struck mind... Don't give up... Don't give in because there will be powers that try to detour you from this amazing emotion that is nothing less than a gift to your life. Hold on and reap your rewards in the end.

If you think just because Jesus knows what is going to happen in your life he doesn't enjoy or feel the moments when they happen you just think about points in your life that you knew what was going to happen and they still don't hit you just as strong as if you had no idea....